Most of us might remember having some arguments with our siblings in our childhood. Fighting over space, toys, even the attention of our parents are somewhat commonplace among siblings. It is natural to experience emotions like jealousy or anger from time to time. Most of these small issues are actually a wonderful learning ground, through which we learn compromising, sharing, and even negotiating. However, if these small matters turn into resentments or ongoing rivalries, then clearly there are issues that need to be resolved.
Often, we may not even realize that these rivalries exist and successfully sweep them under the carpet, until an issue arises that brings them out. In one case, after losing their elderly mother, the issues among siblings became worse, ending in cold treatment among them. Each blamed the others for not doing enough and the rifts grew. Now they are trying to repair the relation but they do not know where to start.
So how do sibling relationships get this bad? Well, this is not a simple question to answer. Many parents breed sibling rivalries without intending to, of course. Let us take a look at a few behaviours that should be avoided.
- Avoid Favouritism
This is one of the biggest issues in parenting; and it may actually be unconscious. Let’s face it, we are all human, and given that, we would naturally have some preferences. We like certain people and we don’t like others. Though this may be very difficult to admit, but it is possible that we like one of our children more than the others. It might be because they remind us of ourselves, or have some qualities that we value, so even though we think we treat all our kids the same, it might not be true. Remember, kids will be more attuned to your behaviour than you yourself would be. Even if all your kids are getting along, take some time out and think whether you might inadvertently be favouring one over another.
Instead: Learn about their likes, dislikes, and strengths and encourage each child accordingly.
- Avoid creating competition
Another unconscious habit of many parents is that they create “harmless” competition between their children. Playing competitive games, where one child wins and the others lose, creates resentment amongst the children. Also, when one child loses, he or she will try to get even with the other siblings. This “harmless” competition can create long lasting rivalry. Kids tend to remember how their parents treated them when they were younger. And they will always remember being put last on the list.
Another way to create a competitive environment is to encourage the kids to finish the homework first, or eat their meal first, especially if an award is offered for this behaviour. Avoid creating a competitive environment.
Instead: Focus on creating a team, where each child has a strength that is focused on and where he or she will help and collaborate with siblings to get the job done.
- Reward the snitch
Have you ever rewarded one child for “telling” on the other? Children argue and many times won’t hesitate lying, if that means that their sibling will get into trouble. By rewarding the tattle-tale, you are sending the message that it is okay to resort to manipulative behaviour, if you want to get your way. In addition, the child who was told on will now look for opportunities to do the same, thus fanning the flames to a new level.
Instead: Ensure that tattling is not allowed in the home by anyone. If the children are having a disagreement, advise them on ways to settle it among themselves amicably. However, it is your duty to put down strict boundaries, so that one may not bully the other.
- Buying new clothes for the older ones only
Another common parental behaviour that will breed sibling rivalry is to give your younger child hand-me-downs exclusively. This will make your younger child feel like a second class citizen.
Instead: Occasional hand-me-downs might be acceptable, but be sure to buy new things for the younger children as well.
Time to Mend
Now that we’ve explored some behaviours that parents should avoid, let us look at what we can do, if the relationships have already been damaged. We will never quite be at our best, if resentments are lingering in the background. We might think that it is up to the other person to begin, but frankly, but it is always up to us to initiate change in our lives. Taking the first step is empowering, because we are starting the healing process. So, let us explore some ways, in which we can create healing and transform our relationships with our siblings.
- Be courageous!
If the conflict has been lingering for a while, you might think that it is easier to let it be. Indeed, that may be so, but then the negativities will still remain inside you. It’s valid to be worried that your efforts might be rejected, but remember: no try, no gain. Master up the courage and take the first step. No matter what the result may be, you will know that you made an effort to heal the relationship. This effort in itself will do wonders for healing your own personal hurts.
- Practice heaps of forgiveness
Childhood hurts can leave deep wounds. These wounds can impact our health and wellbeing and overall quality of life. Thus, it is best to work on letting these resentments go. Of course, this may be easier said than done. How do you actually let past hurts go? The good news is that you have already done the hardest part of the work just by making the intention to let things go. The next step will take a bit of time and practice, but Insha’Allah, you will get the results you wish for.
An unusual way of doing this is to write a ‘forgiveness letter’, which should be addressed to your sibling. Remember that this letter is not to be sent or shared, because it is written with the purpose of releasing the negative emotions held inside. When you have said (written down) all that is needed, forgive the other person and create a new intention for the present and the future. Once you feel that the letter is complete, tear it up. Remember that these emotions were put on paper to release them, not to strengthen them. Do not keep or read the letter again. If anything else surfaces after a few days, you can repeat this exercise, until you feel that all you needed to say has been said and released.
3. Take action.
Reach out to your sibling in a way that feels appropriate to you. Breaking the silence can be awkward, but if it is genuine, the other person will pick up on your well-meaning vibes. Start slowly and take things at a pace that is comfortable for you. Perhaps getting together to talk about old times or catch up would be a great place to start. Next, invest some time occasionally to send an email or a message. Let them know what’s happening in your life, and include them in the important things. Plan regular meetings or a reunion just for getting together. There’s nothing like good times to cement a relationship!
4. Share your side of the story.
There may even come a time, when you both will feel it appropriate to clear the air in person. If it does, then embrace it. Share your story about what you felt happened, but be mindful not to assign any guilt or blame. Just share and allow him or her to do the same. If they express hurt, then be gracious and apologize. Don’t justify. Kids do things that might be very hurtful, but now you are both adults and able to move beyond the past. Hear each other’s experience, and you may even find similarities, where you can begin to connect to the good times together.
I hope that you will find these tips useful. Whether you are planning to parent in a different way or are working towards healing a sibling relationship, I wish you the very best for the journey ahead.
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