By Alia Moin Adil
Certified Life Coach, Freelance Writer
(Profile: linkedin.com/in/alia-moin)
Lately, there has been a lot of talk about setting boundaries. Whether at a professional level at work or a relational level at home, setting boundaries is the buzzword. This leads to certain queries:
Aren’t boundaries a Western thing? Do they have anything to do with Islam?
Is it wrong to have boundaries with loved ones?
Isn’t it selfish to have boundaries?
Definition
The Cambridge Dictionary defines a boundary as: “A real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something” or “The limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behavior.”
In the context of our everyday lives, personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone crosses those limits [guidetopsychology.com].
Purpose of Setting Boundaries
Boundaries have two major functions:
- Boundaries define us. They tell us what is acceptable and what is not.
- Boundaries protect us.
Setting boundaries is an integral part of healthy relationships. Their absence can lead to bitterness, hurt, and burnout.
Sheikh Ubaidullah: “Boundaries can be looked at from the angle of ‘trying to do good in a sustainable way.’ If I know that a certain level of interaction with an individual can probably descend into toxicity or something unwanted/undesirable, then setting a boundary will help keep relations smooth. Not to go in areas that can cause harm. If engaging with someone can become a regret and we tend to distance away from them over time, then setting a boundary can help sustain our relationship.”
Islam and Building Boundaries
People think ‘boundaries’ is a Western concept and doesn’t belong to Muslims. The truth is – it is part of our tradition.
Two main boundaries in Islam:
- Hadood of Allah
- Every believer has a sanctity that must be protected
The Quran repeatedly talks about Taqwa – knowing that Allah is watching us. This awareness helps us establish the boundaries set by Allah (swt).
Surah Al-Kafiroon instructs us to stay firm upon our beliefs while respecting other people’s religion without crossing boundaries. The Quran teaches us the etiquettes with the Prophet of Allah (sa) and warns us in Surah Al-Hujuraat against raising our voices above his voice.
We have the example of the Walima of the Prophet ﷺ with Zainab bint Jahsh (rta), where a boundary was crossed, and Allah (swt) intervened.
“O you who have believed, do not enter the houses of the Prophet except when you are permitted for a meal, without awaiting its readiness. But when you are invited, then enter; and when you have eaten, disperse without seeking to remain for conversation. Indeed, that [behavior] was troubling the Prophet, and he is shy of [dismissing] you. But Allāh is not shy of the truth…” (Al Ahzab, 33:53)
Abu Huraira (rta) reported having heard Allah’s Messenger ﷺ say: “He who peeped into the house of people without their consent, it is permissible for them to put out his eyes.” (Muslim)
This Hadith highlights the importance of respecting other people’s privacy. It also tells us that there are consequences for breaking this law.
There are numerous such examples from the Quran and Hadith where Allah (swt) has set boundaries for us for our mutual respect and well-being. He has created boundaries between people, neighbors, males and females, parents and children, and in-laws.
Boundaries with Family
In Islam, there is a strong focus on Silatul Rahm (ties of the womb).
Dr. Rania Awad: “If you are in a family where a member has done something outrageous, there is nothing in Islam that says you must be in their company or spend time with them. What Islam does tell you is not to go to a place where you are demeaned.”
So how do you balance the two?
Dr. Rania advises: “Part of it is you not being the one severing the tie, i.e., keep that connection going. And it can literally be like, ‘Eid Mubarak,’ ‘Ramadan Mubarak,’ ‘As-salaamu alaykum.’ That is keeping the connection to a bare minimum. Thus, you have not severed the tie, and you have also protected yourself. Allah has also instructed us not to put ourselves in harm’s way.”
So, there is a fine balance there. As Yasmin Mogahed aptly mentions, “The real flex is keeping your heart soft and your boundaries strong.”
Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-care.
Self-Care vs. Selfishness
It is obligatory to protect oneself from abuse. This is self-care. This is not being selfish.
Mufti Menk: “To heal, you need to get out of places where you feel your mental well-being is being affected.”
When we lack boundaries, we expose ourselves to unhealthy and destructive influences and people. [Book: ‘Boundaries’ by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend]
The Quran advises us to sensibly turn away from ignorant toxic people. “Take what is given freely, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the ignorant.” (Al-Araaf 7:199)
Islam is a Deen (way of life) to protect you. If a person does not act within the limits of the Shariah, you are not obligated to stay in their company. As we learn from ‘The Seerah of the Prophet ﷺ’:
“At the Conquest of Makkah, the Prophet ﷺ headed to Mount Safa where he took the pledge of allegiance from all those who embraced Islam while quoting a verse from the Quran. Among them was Hind bint Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, who had barbarically killed Hamza (rta) as a disbeliever. Hind had veiled herself to conceal her identity. However, her dialogue with Abu Sufyan revealed her identity.
The Prophet ﷺ asked, ‘Are you Hind?’ Exposed, Hind responded, ‘Yes, I am. Forgive the past, may Allah forgive you.’ The Prophet ﷺ did not respond and instead continued with the verse. The memories of Hamza’s (rta) gruesome martyrdom were always raw, and the Prophet ﷺ accepted Hind’s Islam, but he did not have to continue the conversation.”
Conclusion
Boundaries are the framework that allows for relationships to thrive. Appropriate boundaries increase our ability to care for others while safeguarding ourselves from any form of harm.
As Robert Frost said: “Good fences make good neighbors.”
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