Yusuf ibn Asbat said: “There are ten signs of good manners, which are: little arguing, listening well, avoiding searching for shortcomings, covering mistakes, finding excuses, exhibiting patience when annoyed, blaming one’s own self, seeing one’s own faults rather than other people’s faults, having a beaming face with the young and the old, saying kind words to those who are below and above one (with regard to religious knowledge, righteousness, social status and so forth).”
In Islam, there is no such thing as ‘drawing room manners’. Our disposition is the fruit of the seed of our inner character. If we have a righteous soul, then our body, mind and limbs all will behave nobly. But if our soul is not connected to its Creator, our resulting behaviour will be wretched – unpredictable, fluctuating, shallow, and deceptive.
Adab (manners) are not just about uttering ‘thank you’, ‘please’, and ‘sorry’, as most parents and educationists teach to their children and students (with virtuous intentions, of course). The Adab described in the Quran are manners of correct thinking, which lead to right beliefs and eventually beautiful manners and conduct. The Quran helps us respond to situations with grace and dignity. It is an obvious outcome by default. No Ahlul-Quran (people of the Quran) will ever be found in lame or shameless acts, talks or past times. Why? Because it is displeasing to Allah (swt). They are cautious and extremely careful about the inner purity of their thoughts and beliefs.
Most personality molding gurus, books and media conversely teach how to groom outward mannerisms. It is like caking an acne infested face with layers of branded make-up. After a while, the mask begins to crack, distressing the person carrying it, as much as the people around him/her.
“Companionship with good people leads to beneficial knowledge, virtuous manners and righteous deeds, whilst companionship with bad people prevents one from all of this.” (Imam as-Sadi)
“Hiba” interviewed two noteworthy scholars, who endorsed the importance of the environment a child is exposed to in his primary years: Dr. Farhat Hashmi (founder of “Al-Huda International”) and Qari Sohaib Ahmed Meer Mohammadi (founder Quran College and Islamic Training Institute Phoolnagar). They both shared that they were strictly not allowed to mingle with the kids outside their homes, until they were older and wiser. This facilitated their initial upbringing, as their parents could coach them with little outward interference and corruption. Their values were deeply imbedded, before they were exposed to the world culture.
It is interesting to note that most adults today encourage just the opposite. They leave their infants and toddlers in the care of absolute strangers. They push their young kids to talk to strangers. They encourage social gatherings and play dates of very young children. They hand over gadgets and smart phones to under aged kids, opening the world to them to watch and emulate whatever the popular culture demands. This is done in order to raise confident kids, who would speak their minds and be considered smart and independent.
The problem with this approach is aptly put by Steven Covey: “You are trying to find an apple in a heap of trash.”
A child raised by well-mannered parents (as per Quran’s definition) will always be confident, because he will be guided and protected by Allah (swt). He does not need to be pushed into the company of strangers to learn the do’s and don’ts of life. Parents should empower themselves and prepare themselves for every stage of the child’s life by reading, reflecting and researching the Quran, Sunnah, and other aligned literature.
Only confident parents can raise confident kids. Confident parents trust Allah’s (swt) power, the potential He has given to their child, and a good Qadr (destiny). And Adab will be part of this upbringing. Parents and kids will grow together.
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