Psychological Abuse: Reasons and Warning Signals

Psychological Abuse: Reasons and Warning Signals

By Linta Mustafa and Umm Isam

Our experiences shape our thoughts and personality. Coupled with the society we live in, this can have either a positive or a negative impact on an individual. Today, the word ‘abuse’ is used to describe the causes of negative effects on our behaviour and personality. Physical and mental abuse does not occur suddenly. Rather, it starts slowly and gradually. Therefore, much like identifying the early symptoms of an illness, it is necessary to be able to identify an abuser.

Why does abuse occur?

Abuse is a behaviour that is learned by experiencing it firsthand in families or at workplace, by observing friends or by media exposure. The abuse of women is more common than men, and, contrary to popular belief, abuse is not restricted to gender or age.

However, men who complain of abuse are less likely to be given any serious attention:

Alesha Durfee writes: “Men filing for protection orders face a gendered paradox – while cultural and institutional narratives about domestic violence victimization are gendered feminine, men are expected to present themselves in a way that conforms to hegemonic masculinity. By emphasizing the ways in which they are masculine actors in their intimate relationships, men claiming victimization potentially invalidate their claims of victimization.” (“I’m Not A Victim, She’s An Abuser”: Masculinity, Victimization, and Protection Orders)

Primarily, there are two reasons why one feels the need to abuse. They feel the need to abuse, so that their feelings and interests should be the priority or because the abuser needs to feel in control.

While one can easily identify the signs of a physical abuser, emotional and mental abuse is hard to trace. There are many victims struggling with major health problems, who did not die when shot, stabbed, clubbed, burned, choked, beaten or thrown by their abusers. Thousands of these victims struggle with the health consequences of being trapped in abusive relationships, without being identified as victims of abuse by health care providers or without proper treatment.

What is psychological abuse?

A psychological abuser usually traps their victims through a careful net of manipulation. It involves a person’s attempts to humiliate and isolate the victim. The abuser does not necessarily have to be the spouse. It could be anyone, even a person considered a ‘friend’. The pattern consists of a variety of abusive acts, occurring in multiple episodes over the course of the relationship.

Psychological mistreatment resembles indoctrinating in that it deliberately erodes the victims’ self-assurance, self-worth, trust in their insights and self-idea. Regardless of whether it is by consistent deprecation, by terrorizing or under the appearance of ‘direction’ or educating, the outcomes are comparable.

What are the signs of psychological abuse?

“The emotionally abusive relationship: How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing” by Beverly Engel is an excellent book which explains in detail the major signs of an abuser, as well as how to overcome it. Here are some signs she has identified:

They always see who you are looking at or who you are talking to.
Not doing what they told you can cause them to seemingly become angry and throw a tantrum.
They always want you to follow their moods. Sometimes they would get angry and shout at you or sometimes they would shower you with affections.
Using you. They seek your help with something and then they keep on insisting that you do it since ‘you are the only one who can’. It causes your own schedule and mental health to be affected.
Treating you like an idiot. They constantly tell you to stop speaking since ‘you do not know anything’.
Knowing your weakness causes an abuser to use it for his or her benefits, which mostly means threatening.
Making you ‘take a joke’. Abusers belittle your insecurities and make fun of them in public. If you argue, they will tell you to stop being ‘moody’ and ‘learn to have fun’.
Belittling your feelings. They listen when you pour your heart out, and then tell you to stop being ‘overemotional’ and ‘needy’ in terms of affection.
Assuming and accusing. Abusers are very quick to misunderstand a situation and make assumptions. Instead of communicating properly, they start accusing you and pouring out their fabricated thoughts regarding the situation.

Constantly being the target of psychological abuse can cause the victims to change themselves and seek approval. They would also try to cut off their social circle to please their abusers. Moreover, victims would feel that ‘this is better for me’ and would stop themselves from seeking help.

What should Muslims trapped in psychologically abusive marriages do?

Dena Hassouneh-Phillips (Professor at Oregon Health & Science University) conducted a research on Muslim women in foreign countries. The results stated that husbands who mistreated their wives did not feel compelled to abide by the rules of Islamic conduct, and despite renegotiation, the abuse continued.

Similarly in Pakistan too, some cases of marital abuse are reported while others are silenced. However, there are certain countermeasures that one must take:

Seek help from Allah (swt). Pray Salat-ul-Istikharah to save the relationship.
Communicate the situation to a wise and trusted elder or friend to enable treatment and counselling through a professional expert.
If that is not possible, then try to set boundaries and communicate it yourself to the abuser.
If that doesn’t work, it is time to break off from that relation before you are physically and mentally scarred for life.
Pray Salat-ul-Istikharah to end the relationship without guilt or remorse.
Spend time with the Quran to grant you solace and strength spiritually.
Do something intellectually that you love and take your time in healing emotionally.

Divorce is a solution for abused relationships. Allah (swt) has revealed an entire Surah At-Talaq that beautifully explains how to end this relationship without ugliness and with Ihsan. It emphasizes how divorced women or men are not to be stigmatized and must re-marry to resume a normal and peaceful marital life. Allah (swt) does not want His believers to continue living in pain.

Caution: Abuse must be distinguished from irritants. Simple disagreements, arguments or difference of opinions are not categorized as abuse. They require patience, understanding, improved communication and real-life problem-solving skills.

Allah knows best.

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