“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Ar-Rum, 30:21)
We seem to be in a crisis. Never before have the marital issues in the Muslim world catapulted as they have now. We witness divorces occurring between couples married for a month or twenty years. Fear of failure has generated another breed of unmarried men and women, who want to stay strong and single.
Marriage was supposed to be one of the most blessed, precious, and enjoyable gifts of Allah (swt) for the temporary life on Earth. Let us explore what Islam says about it.
- A companion for you – part of Allah’s (swt) grand plan
We have been expected to marry our kind, not an alien from the outer world. A loving union of two hearts brings bliss unknown otherwise. It is a miraculous sign that Allah (swt) has created our spouses from amongst us. The first human spouse was created from the rib of Prophet Adam (as). From then onward, almost every prophet and their followers married to fulfill Allah’s (swt) grand plan. It also means that Allah (swt) arranged a spouse from our own family, extended family, tribe, or within humankind.
- Find your comfort
This verse does not specify continuity of lineage as the reason for marriage. The purpose was to bring two human beings together to live in peace. If you have peace at home, it extends to the community, then to the nation, and finally between nations.
When the opposite happens and we have broken homes, what does that breed? Morally corrupt humans, socially dysfunctional people, crime, selfishness, and indifferent societies, which do not care about others, because their own homes are like living hell.
Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan rightly points out that when spouses spend time with each other, it takes away the stress of the day. Just sitting down with each other for five undisturbed minutes or lying down next to each other can make you feel peaceful. Allah (swt) takes credit for providing that feeling of calmness and clarity.
- Find your light
The spousal relationship is special. You cannot share this bond with any of your blood relatives or friends. The comfort one feels by being in each other’s company transforms into light. This light illuminates everything around it. It lights up every life it touches. You feel happy and fulfilled. Whether you are at home, at work, or on the road, it is not easy to drag you down.
Conversely, if this peace is missing, chaos ensues. That is why it is so critical for society to have good marriages.
Salman Asif Siddiqui of ERDC advises men to take care of their wives if they want loving homes. Similarly, he also advises against trying to change your spouse to match your imaginary icon. Love must be unconditional.
- What is Mawaddah?
Mawaddah is the intense love that Allah (swt) places between husband and wife. This intimate love becomes the initial motive for attraction between them. It also keeps them attached.
Ustadh Kashif Dilkusha in his talk titled “How to Destroy Your Marriage” mentioned the lack or absence of intimacy as one of the seven reasons for failed marriages. Tragically, this aspect is overlooked in our culture and even the spouses are unaware of its importance.
Intimacy has nothing to do with age or family setup (nuclear or joint). It is critical for the well-being of the marriage. That is why it has preceded ‘Rahmah’ (mercy) in the verse, too.
Intimacy is not only about having a physical relationship. It must include hugging, kissing, cuddling, and tickling for joy every day. Any of the two partners can initiate it, depending upon their temperaments. It also serves as a great stress breaker and tool for nurturing the marriage. We should also remember that we are rewarded by Allah (swt) for this Halal intimacy.
- What is Rahmah?
Rahmah comes into play, once the honeymoon is over. In a relationship, there is a physical aspect as discussed above, and then there is also a spiritual and emotional aspect.
It is the special bond out of which you want to take care of someone, protect that person, and ensure that their needs are met. You stop thinking about yourself only. When you buy something, you remember to buy something for your spouse too.
By their relationship, the couple becomes kind, affectionate, and sympathetic toward each other – so much so that in older years, when sexual love falls into the background, the spouses become more compassionate than when they were young.
It is the call for Rahmah that erases feelings of revenge when one gets hurt. It is the willingness to sacrifice when one cannot get what he or she desired. It is also an overwhelming need to forgive your spouse when he or she has been clearly at fault. Allah (swt) greatly rewards them for their mercy.
- What does this couple give to others?
The best of them. When spouses enjoy Mawaddah and Rahmah, they generally fulfill other people’s rights, too. They have high self-esteem and security about their marriage; hence, they do not feel threatened or vulnerable by other relatives or circumstances.
Allah (swt) has placed these two positive and strong forces within married couples. This love and mercy experienced by millions of people worldwide are not anything material, which could be weighed or measured. Nor can it be traced back to any of the constituent elements of the human body. Only Allah (swt) has endowed humans with it as a caring Creator.
- Be an owner and an enabler
Every married couple must understand this Quranic verse and own it. Otherwise, it becomes second nature to quit relationships and opt for a life offering personal freedom but a very lonely end. Allah (swt) created mates for us to live in harmony.
Those, who are around married couples, such as parents, in-laws, friends, and community, should assume the position of positive enablers. They must remember that their ill interference, unwise suggestions, and evil instigations, pitting the spouses or their families against each other, are a grave sin.
“And Allah is not unaware of what you do.” (Al-Baqarah, 2:149)
Encourage Mawwadah and Rahmah between the spouses to have warm homes with thriving generations.
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