Indicators of a Bad Relationship
- Work is More Important
How do the families of today differ from those of yesteryears? One obvious difference is that work had a designated time that did not take over family life. This permitted the families to spend quality time together. It included not only nuclear families but also neighbours and extended families. Most time was spent indoors with very little materials and distractions (no media and screens). People talked, imparted life values, told stories, exchanged ideas, taught skills, and communicated. In the Islamic paradigm, human interaction has always been of a higher significance than jobs and careers, because that is what builds characters, homes and nations.
We learnt that as a principle: family excellence must precede social excellence. When our careers rob our loved ones of the time that we owe to them, relationships start to turn sour. And the most blatant lie ever uttered in history of humankind is: “I am doing it for them so we can have a better standard of living.” In reality, we love it too, and the desire for more money only goes up. Thus, independence, public acclaim and freedom to spend come at the cost of sacrificing the time we spend with our loved ones.
There must be an off time when we spend relaxed hours only with the family or attend to their concerns with nothing simmering on the back burner. This initially has to be done by force, as most of us are used to either jumping from one task to another or wasting our time on useless activities, such as gluing to the phone screen, even while sitting among people.
Family needs are more important than housekeeping, pursuit of education, office tasks, guests and social media. We have to maintain a balanced day that does not tip into any one pre-dominant direction, neglecting others.
A badly managed day is one which does not have:
- Free moments,
- Time for personal reflection,
- Time for planning,
- Buffers,
- Connection to the purpose of your life,
- Simplicity,
- Time to unwind, which results in our day ending with all energy, nourishment and fuel gone.
The result is that we feel stressed and life becomes a roller coaster. A well-managed day is one that does not have speed but has meaningfulness. You do less but with excellence. Time management should not be converted to assume the position of Qadr. If a task is not done at a particular time due to some external and uncontrollable factor, one should not fret or become miserable.
We are accountable in front of Allah (swt) for every second we spend. This is where our definition of a productive day differs from the Western one. As Momins, we should do nothing that wastes ours or someone else’s time. Otherwise, we will be answerable for it.
- Materialism is a Priority
Because of things, relationships are suffering. The message that goes out is: “If you love me, spend on me.” Kids and adults demand smartphones and other gadgets. But even if you buy them the stuff they desire, their relationship builds with those things, not you. This also means that it will become very easy for your loved ones to abandon you for someone or some place that offers them a better life. For this very reason, we see divorces, children forsaking their old parents, parents not having kids to start a family, and so on.
The challenge is to establish a relationship without outrageously spending on your family. We should lead a simple life but hold valuable association with family members by taking interest in their past times. If you do not have healthy past times, develop some that are constructive and engage you in positive intercommunication.
Relationships get destroyed by yet another form of materialism, which is competition with others. Spouses want their better halves to earn more, so they can travel abroad, buy luxuries, flaunt their possessions and post their ‘successful’ life online. Parents brag about their children’s academics, schools and jobs. Kids show off their branded stuff to other kids.
This culture of things turns everyone into a cheap weighing scale, where the worth of a human is measured by what he earns and how much he has achieved materialistically. This was never the case among our ancestors. They went to top universities, passed out with high credentials, and worked at prestigious places but never mentioned any of it. They always preferred hospitality, as they had generous hearts and a loving disposition. They were grateful to share with others what they owned. Hence, there was Barakah in their earnings.
Today, when there is an increase in somebody’s income, they upgrade their own status. They do not offer an increased amount of hospitality, Sadaqah or Zakat. Hence, they remain thankless, ever complaining and non-beneficial. The Islamic stance is to look at another’s higher level of Akhlaq, Iman and Ilm for inspiration, as it is a valuable asset. However, we are to set our eyes on those who have a lower level of income than us, invite them and visit them, so we may live as thankful servants of Allah (swt).
Indicators of a Good Relationship
- No Intention to Hide
If your loved ones willingly wish to share their life happenings with you, it is a sign of a strong relationship. They have no intention to hide their thoughts, feelings or behaviour from you, as they feel secure around you. They know that they will not be judged, reprimanded, mistreated or punished for their decisions.
They are not afraid of you, so they want you to know all that is going on in their life – just like friends would do. So when they come home from school, they want to blurt out as much as possible in one breath.
For achieving such level of trust, you need to create a safe zone. This means that the one who is talking will not be rejected, humiliated, corrected or inflicted with any kind of harshness. You will just be a listener, who draws in everything like a sponge and holds back your own thoughts, ideas, judgements and correction.
When you have carefully heard what the other person has to say, choose your words cautiously in case you need to disagree, advise or correct. There will be no mention of past errors, no accusations and no blames. Simply stay in the present and talk softly with reason.
If you feel that your emotional state is too electrified, postpone this conversation to a time when your heart is composed. Otherwise, your near ones will stop sharing their heartfelt emotions in fear of being put under trial.
- Urge to Spend Time
Another strong indicator is that your loved ones show desire to spend time with you. This can be honed by developing some common interests or discussing shared areas of interest.
Also, this can be achieved only when you show acceptance to your dear ones. For example, if someone who is overweight is constantly reminded of his weight, or someone who lags behind in school or college is regularly made fun of – he will become self-conscious and will not want to be around you.
It takes some keen observation to figure out what can be developed as a fun sharing that bonds our relations. For example, love for pets, playing some sport, reading or painting together, cooking as a family, taking road trips, nurturing a talent or developing a skill.
- Values Your Expectations
Next, the person must have some ties with you to be able to value your expectations. When someone loves you, he also cares for what you think and say. He trusts what you dream about his future. He knows that you are there to support him.
If expectations are valued, there is minimum clash of ideas. It’s only when there is bad blood between relations that they do not own responsibilities or honour expectations.
Also, when expectations are realistic and correct, they are valued. A person who is weak in an area should never be expected to fly high in it one day or compared to others, who are succeeding over him.
Some Golden Tips
- Never discuss stressful matters during family meal times. It should be a time everyone is at peace and looking forward to hearing positive updates of the day from each other.
- Never discuss anything that is on your agenda and is disturbing or discomforting for your loved ones when they have come to you. It is their time, so it is their agenda.
- Never throw temper tantrums, when you are travelling together as a family or spending time with each other. Problems need to be resolved with the concerned person directly and in private, not in public.
Adapted from Salman Asif Siddiqui’s workshop.
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