By
Bilal Naeem
It happens to all of us. As soon as you have your first child you start worrying whether they are going to be granted Hidayat by Allah (swt) or not. What can you do to help them on this journey?
The first thing that comes to mind is that we have to be devout Muslims ourselves. If we have Taqwa it can help, but is it enough?
I recently came across a very interesting book: “Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down across Generations” by Vern L. Bengtson. The book follows 350 Jewish and Christian families covering more than 3,500 individuals from 1972 to 2006 to ascertain what factors cause children to adopt their parents’ faith.
The research concluded that the overwhelming factor was whether the father was practicing his religion and actively engaged with his children. The mother’s faith alone was not enough and neither was the father’s faith. The father had to have a relationship with his children, had to be spending time with them, had to know them for his piety to have a lasting effect on them.
What do we as fathers think our role is in the lives of our children?
Glorified ATMs glimpsed briefly on the weekends?
Can father’s absolve themselves from the charge of bringing up their children simply because earning is also their responsibility? I’m not saying that earning a livelihood is easy or isn’t important but everything has a cost. At some point, we need to be able to say this is enough and as a father I have more to add to my children’s lives. I have a contribution to make to their Tarbiyah and that’s what Tarbiyah means, to cultivate, to bring up. This requires suitable communication, time, understanding, attention and lots of love.
As father’s we seem happy with leaving this either in the hands of the school, whose job this never was or we have assumed that the mother and the mother alone is responsible for this. Why should this be so?
In the first step, we need to recognize that we are role models for our children so we must be the best version of ourselves. They pick up our behaviour to see what is important.
If we give preference to Allah (swt) in all things they will give Allah (swt) the same importance. If we are always at work? They will internalize work as being the highest priority. If we are kind and loving towards our family, they will learn to do the same.
Some questions that fathers may ask themselves: Do we talk a lot about money? Do we reward them and appreciate them only for worldly achievements? Are we quick to lose our anger? Do we treat the help at home or beggars harshly? Are we patient with our parents, even if they are being unreasonable? Do we have enough knowledge about issues such as bullying, peer pressure, girl boy relationship happening at school and on the social media?
As the patriarch of the family, our behaviour and the time we spend with them is immeasurably important. This is why the Prophet Muhammad (sa) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best amongst you to my family…” (mishkat)
What lies beyond our own piety is the relationship we have with our children. The love that is nurtured here, especially in the early years, makes them want to be with us, like us, learn from us and continue to be a part of our lives when they are older and need us to keep them on the straight path.
Just how much time do they need?
During the week, they leave for school before we wake up and are asleep before we come back. What about those two hours we spend with them on the weekend glancing over our phone while they play with each other. Isn’t that enough?
What our children need is a time without rush, without agenda, without distraction. A time when everything seems to be standing still and their father has all the time in the world, an empty space they can fill with their words, thoughts and feelings, building a base for future interactions.
I know, kids (especially young ones) don’t have the same IQ as us, they aren’t always as fun as our friends and they can’t have intelligent conversations all the time. Yes, they can be annoying and exhausting. But that’s because they are kids, that’s what children are like. We can’t just ignore them because of these reasons.
“Surely! Every one of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charges: The Imam (ruler) of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects; a man is the guardian of his family (household) and is responsible for his subjects; a woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and of his children and is responsible for them…” (Bukhari)
Developing a relationship with your children: getting to know them and giving advice
Spending time with your children doesn’t just mean to go out with them to eat, drop them into a play land or pick and drop them from school. Spending quality time means developing a relationship with them, listening to them and getting to know them. Sometimes we want to jump ahead and give our children advice without this relationship.
Let us have a look at this short conversation between Prophet Yusuf (as) and his father, Prophet Yaqub (as).
“(Of these stories mention) when Joseph said to his father, ‘O my father, indeed i have seen (in a dream) eleven stars and the sun and the moon, I saw them prostrating to me.’ He said, ‘O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.’” (Yusuf 12:4-5)
There is so much to learn from this interaction but we can clearly note a few salient points:
- We see the love with which both of them address each other.
- We see that Prophet Yusuf (as) was close enough to his father to share something very private and intimate with him with confidence.
- We see in the response of Prophet Yaqub (as) that he understood all his children well and was able to warn Prophet Yusuf (as) regarding his brothers.
- We can note that he did this without backbiting about them instead highlighting Shaitan’s role in the evil of what they might do.
Teaching them to fix lives and relationships
It is also the right of our children that we teach them right from wrong but it is important to do so with love and tenderness. We should spend time to teach them about the Quran and Sunnah and have discussions regarding abstract aspects as well. We should discuss what it means to be happy, how to handle success, how to deal with disappointment, what helps to mend a heart broken from loss and all that they will face.
Let us look at the famous advice Prophet Luqman gave to his son, an advice to all of us.
“And (mention O Muhammad), when Luqmân said to his son while he was instructing him, ‘O my son! Do not associate (anything) with Allah. Indeed association (with Him) is great injustice.’” (Luqman 31:13)
“(And Luqmân said), ‘O my son, indeed if it (i.e., a wrong) should be the weight of a mustard seed and should be within a rock or (anywhere) in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Indeed Allah is Subtle and Aware. O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed (all) that is of the matters (requiring resolve). And do not turn your cheek (in contempt) toward people, and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful. And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice, indeed the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys.”” (Luqman 31:16-19)
Again, note the love with which Prophet Luqman (as) addresses his son. We see that he uses various examples and his advice is broad covering spiritual aspects such as Tauhid, Ibadaat, Dawah and then extends beyond to personality development and behaviour with others.
The advice isn’t aimed at making him successful in this world, how to outwit someone else to gain some benefit, how to be competitive and be the best. The advice is how to be a good Muslim from every aspect and aims at the effort he can put in.
No part of the advice focuses on expected results or what he should achieve from his efforts. The advice does not begin with a criticism of what he is doing now that needs to change. The advice is soft and kind.
So, my dear fellow fathers, we must attempt to be the best muslims that we can and shower our children with our time, attention and love.
Surely, this is a resolve to aspire to.
And Allah knows best.
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