Take a deep breath. Ask yourself: “On a scale from one to ten, (with ten being fully and completely), how fulfilling is my marriage right now?” Write down the number that comes to mind. Next, ask yourself: “What are some of the expectations that I have for my marriage and my spouse?” Write them down. Notice which expectations are being met, and which ones are not. You may notice that the areas where you feel a relationship can be improved have an unfulfilled expectation attached to it.
Expectation is “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future”. It is different from hope because it implies that we definitely want or need this, otherwise there will be disappointment. So if we have unrealistic expectations, they will inevitably lead to disappointment, if they aren’t possible to meet. Let us explore three common yet unrealistic expectations about marriage and ways through which we can break through them in order to create a more fulfilling marriage.
Unrealistic Expectation 1: My spouse will complete me
A lot of women grow up having fairy-tale like expectations of marriage. It is not really our fault – it is all the conditioning we receive while growing up. It feeds off the idea that a damsel is in distress, and her prince charming will come and sweep her off her feet. This is fine for fairy tales because that’s where the story ends. Life is, of course, a different story.
Expecting our spouse to complete us is one of the most detrimental expectations we can have. First of all, it implies that we are incomplete as a person without our spouse. Marriage is recommended in Islam to complement one another, to be a ‘libas’ for one another. This essentially means that our spouse is meant to be our safe space, but it does not imply that we cannot be happy and whole if we aren’t married.
This expectation also puts a lot of pressure on our spouse for always being our best friend, confidant, cheerleader, and provider. What happens during those times when our spouses can’t be there? We will be left feeling disappointed, which may lead to us lashing back at them.
Lastly, this expectation implies that we intend to give less than we plan to take. Now this last part will seem a little bit harsh, but if we have this expectation, it is often unsaid and we may even be unaware that we have it. Think about the dynamics of your relationship. Are you always looking for your spouse to give you a boost, to encourage you, and to push you to do things? Are you always looking for affirmation from him? How do you think he might be feeling, having to provide this all the time? It will be putting a lot of pressure on him, and this dynamic is unsustainable in the long run.
Solution: Work on completing yourself
The most fulfilling of marriages are those where both people experience themselves as whole and contribute to the relationship in their own ways. Spend some time figuring out why you feel you are not whole. Is it an experience from your childhood? Were you not encouraged growing up? Was it another relationship let-down? Once you are aware of the issue, you can begin to shift it. Buy yourself a journal. Spend five minutes of every day writing down a couple of things that you did well that day. This small exercise will give you huge boost of confidence in the long run.
Unrealistic Expectation 2: My spouse will always make me happy
The minute you expect someone else to make you happy, you have given away all your accountability for your own life. This expectation is dangerous in marriage because no one can promise to make us happy all the time. It implies that someone else’s behaviour makes us either happy or miserable. In the end, it is our reaction to another person’s behaviour that determines how we feel. If your child makes a mess, it is your reaction to either deal with it calmly or get angry and shout. In the same way, this expectation secretly implies that our spouse will only ever do and think what makes us happy. If we think about it, we know that this is unrealistic. An expectation like this will leave us feeling unhappy and do the opposite of what we intended.
Solution: Focus on something that gives you fulfillment
One of the best recipes for a fulfilling relationship is to be fulfilled in your own life. This way you have a lot more to give and are not draining someone else of their passion and energy. Reflect on one or two things that give you satisfaction. Perhaps, you are not sure right, now and that is fine. Ask yourself the question: “What would I like to do that would make me feel like I am living a worthwhile life?” You may get ideas for volunteer work, starting a career, or focusing on some health-related goals. Whatever it is, spend some time focusing on making this happen. Not only will your confidence grow, but you will have new experiences and joys to share with your spouse.
Unrealistic Expectation 3: My spouse should understand what I am feeling
Don’t you love the word “should?” It is one of those almost judgmental kind of words. It does, however, express strong beliefs. This expectation is that your spouse must understand how you are feeling; after all, it is part of their job description. It basically means to demand someone to do the impossible – read your mind! Have you ever had an experience where a friend or your spouse has misunderstood what you meant? In the same way, if we expect our loved one to always understand us, we are dooming the relationship to frustration and failure. Again, this expectation will put a lot of unnecessary pressure on your spouse, leaving them feeling helpless, when you get angry. Anger and disappointment will naturally follow, because you will feel that they do not understand you. Indeed, we all love it when our other half understands how we feel, but that in part is due to how we communicate.
Solution: Seek first to understand and then be understood
Every human being wants to be understood, as this is what makes us feel connected. The way to achieve better understanding is to communicate with your spouse. Easier said than done, because we often misunderstand communication for speaking. However, I am suggesting that you spend 75% of your time listening and 25% of your time talking. By giving this space to your spouse, they will feel that you are allowing room for their point of view. This, in turn, will open the way for them to want to understand you. Amazing avenues open up when we allow another person space to express themselves. Give this a sincere go. If you find yourself interrupting, stop! Put your attention on them just for their sake, and, Insha’Allah, you will find a more loving and comfortable space to land as well.
Creating fulfilling relationships is often about being flexible and willing to make adjustments. We can gain more fulfillment when we are willing to explore the truth about our own expectations and adjust to a more compassionate and realistic approach. This will not only benefit all our loved ones, but create true inner joy and peace as well. My very best wishes to you for the journey!
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