How it all began…
I still remember the first time I saw her: my glance just stopped on her, not knowing what attracted me towards her. And with every next glance, my liking towards her kept on increasing, till I finally sent a proposal to her, not knowing what the outcome would be.
I am talking about my daughter-in-law, who I first happened to see at an Islamic centre, where I too was attending classes.
At first, I did not envision her as my future daughter-in-law. She appeared as a sincere student of Ilm, her eyes gleaming behind her glasses.
The fact that she was studying Deen at the prime of her teenage years left an admiration for her in my heart.
As the days passed, I would occasionally bounce in her at the centre, until a few months later, I secretly desired to have her as my daughter-in-law. Alhamdulillah, through miraculous ways I happened to get in touch with her mum. They were from Africa and we were Indians… hindrances kept coming up, but I was so positive that the outcome would be of Khair. And, Alhamdulillah, we got the young couple married. Barak Allah Fikum.
The time came to welcome our new family member. Avid preparations were made to welcome her and make her feel at home. One might think: what a blessed girl to have such a doting mother-in-law. But guess what? A soon as she started sharing my home and family, an immense sense of negativity started growing in me. The very girl, whom I so desired to be my daughter-in-law and whom I chose for my son, was now a means of internal resentment for me. Ill feelings against her started to rise. I was engulfed in negativity.
What went wrong? Why did the feeling of love and excitement change to that of dislike, insecurity, resentment, and jealousy? Was it the feeling of jealousy that she was enjoying the freedom, comforts, attention, and lavish gifts that I was deprived of? Or anger that she was credited for minuscule things, while all the efforts behind it were mine?
I felt I was the most oppressed, not by my daughter-in-law, but by the whispers of Shaitan. If you are a mother-in-law, you may be able to resonate with these struggles inside you.
But, Alhamdulillah , Allah (swt) did not leave me alone. Before I would be completely engulfed in negativity, He kept sending me positive re-enforcements and reminders through the Quran study circles.
What I did
- I started to calm myself by asking Allah’s (swt) help to overcome this ongoing struggle.
- I reminded myself how I strongly desired for her to be my daughter-in-law and how Allah (swt) removed all the obstacles to fulfill this desire of mine.
- Remembering Allah’s (swt) favours brings an immense sense of gratitude in us and it attracts more blessings. “And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed: ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favour]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.’” (Ibrahim, 14:7)
- Thinking about my days as a daughter-in-law and how I expected my mother-in-law to treat me. “And We have made some of you [people] as a trial for others – will you have patience?” (Al-Furqan, 25:20)
Daughter-in-law is a test for mother-in-law, and vice versa. It depends upon us, how high we want our scores to be when presented to Allah (swt). To get the high score near Allah (swt), we need to tackle the weakness of our Nafs and the whispers of Shaitan, instead of making it an excuse to feel self-pity and justify the actions that result from that. Owning the feelings is the first step to moving towards success.
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