Imagine that it is the wedding season, and you have been busy going to weddings. You notice that every next one is more opulent than the last. You know a couple of families who seem to be competing among themselves with each outdoing the previous one’s reception. You have even heard about event planners being hired specifically to out-do the other events. We see such competitions all the time, don’t we? It can be about looking better than your friends, having the fanciest party for your child, or owning the biggest house.
What is the problem? Competition is good, right? Competition is healthy when it has boundaries to it. For example, athletic competition is healthy when players play by the rules. Companies encourage their employees with bonuses for doing the most business. However, if someone competes by hurting others, that is unacceptable.
We all have this innate drive to be better than others, and this drive comes from a part of human mind often referred to as ‘ego’. Ego is a term used to describe that part of you which talks to you in ‘me, myself, and I’ terms. Ego pushes you to compete and compare yourself to others, and it encourages you to notice how you stand out – how you are better or different.
Many people think that the ego is the same as self-esteem. In fact, it is quite different. Self-esteem is having a belief that each human being has worth. Having a healthy sense of self-esteem means you respect yourself, appreciate your qualities, and are okay with appreciating others, too.
Both ego and self-esteem are necessary for us. Many people think that having an ego is bad; that we should annihilate it altogether. However, it has its uses. This part of you pushes you to take action and better yourself. Yes, it does encourage you to compare yourself to others, but it also provides a direction for you to follow. Imagine, if you had no drive to do anything – would you get anything done at all? The ego often gets us to have a private competition even with ourselves, forcing us to keep going and doing more. However, the downside of ego is that it is selfish, and its focus is only on ‘me’ and what ‘I’ want. So having too strong of an ego can show itself in the selfishness of ‘egotism’.
Self-esteem indicates the value that you are placing on yourself. This is the part of you that encourages you to value your ‘self’ and your abilities, so that you can make a productive contribution to others. For example, the belief that ‘I can make a difference’ comes from self-esteem, not ego. It is not about competing with others – it is about valuing what you have to offer. When you have high self-esteem, you have the capacity to think about others. You might be more willing to collaborate with family, friends, and groups to think about benefitting the whole. This is where ‘we’ thinking comes in.
The Need for Balance
What would it be like to have a healthy self-esteem and keep one’s ego in check? One of the ways for this balance to manifest itself is that a person does not lash out at every negative comment.
Recently, a girl contacted me regarding coaching. I made some time available to speak with her free of charge. She didn’t show up. She made three more appointments, and did the same thing, not even bothering to cancel. Two days later, I got an email saying that she doesn’t want to go ahead, due to her hectic schedule. Since I have seen this pattern often, I suggested that she may not be ready. That’s all I said, and she went off on an angry tirade, making uncalled for defensive and personal comments. Such extreme reaction is an indication that the ‘me’ voice is winning. If the ego is in check, one’s reactions to daily situations will be more balanced. Also, one may be able to see the needs of other people and work towards the greater good. Creating a deep sense of self-worth will help us bring this balance into our lives. Let us look at some practical ways to achieve this.
Strategy one: Be aware of your self-talk
The first step in any form of self-development is that we cannot change anything, if we are not aware of what’s there in the first place. You have to become aware of the quality of your internal dialogue – the little voice in your head that talks to you. What is the quality of that voice? Do this experiment for a week. Get a notebook and keep it by your bed. Every day, when you wake up, take a few minutes to write down whatever you hear inside your head, and do this at the end of the day as well. Remember: do not censor; just write down whatever you hear your internal voice saying.
After about a week or so, go back and read it. Is your voice criticizing other people? Are you thinking about goals? Are you thinking about what’s going wrong? How do you talk about yourself? This awareness will give you a good idea of whether you are thinking about ‘we’ or ‘me’ most of the time. You can do this exercise periodically to keep raising your awareness and gauging where you are.
Strategy two: Apologize more often
The ego part of us wants us to think that we are right all the time. Even if we have done something wrong, in ‘me’ mode, we will defend our own actions and blame others. This behaviour will destroy our relationships. Saying you are sorry doesn’t make you wrong or small. Instead, you simply acknowledge that you had a part in the interaction that took place. Think about three different times when you said or did something which perhaps contributed to an argument or issue, and you did not apologize. Get in touch with that person and make a sincere apology with the aim to repair the relationship. They may or may not forgive you, but your job is to admit that you were thinking about your point of view. Perhaps if you make yourself vulnerable, it may make the relationship stronger than ever. Either way, you will learn a lot about yourself in the process and grow your muscle around the ‘we’ thinking as well.
Strategy three: Pick a goal to serve others
The stronger the ego, the less likely we are to think about other people. You may be very busy, but one of the best ways to grow your own self-esteem is to do something valuable for others. Think about a goal that will stretch you out of your comfort zone, while doing something nice for others. Think about a regular visit to an orphanage, perhaps teaching underprivileged children, or donating your time in another way. Then take some action and start doing it. Not only will it feel amazing, but the more you do it, the more you will be able to see the needs of others around you.
These strategies may not be easy to implement, but, Insha’Allah, they will support you in achieving a higher level of self-esteem. When we truly learn to value our own worth and the worth of others, wonderful things become possible. May Allah (swt) grant us all the Tawfiq to achieve our potential. Ameen.
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