Surah Al-Araaf is one of the most inspirational chapters of the Quran for me. By Allah’s Mercy, I could put its ayahs into perspective and practice. This Ramadan, however, another life-changing realization grasped me. I was listening to Surah Al-Araaf’s recitation during a Quran class, and the following ayah struck me like never before.
“And he [i.e., Ṣāliḥ] turned away from them and said: O my people, I had certainly conveyed to you the message of my Lord and advised you, but you do not like advisors.” (Al-Araaf 7:79)
We all dislike advice
وَلَـٰكِن لَّا تُحِبُّونَ ٱلنَّـٰصِحِينَ ٧٩
I kept reciting the last words of this ayah again and again. I could picture my youth and all the times I had rejected advice in the name of privacy concerns. Have we not told others to paddle their own canoe, resenting being advised? The famous statement ‘Mind your own business’ demonstrates our sheer dislike for advice.
True believers accept advice
A sign of a true believer in Allah and His Messenger (SA) is that they wholeheartedly accept sincere advice and counsel. Yes, there are prescribed etiquette for advising, but we must reflect on why advice is defied. Rejecting advice was the reason for the destruction of many nations mentioned in the Quran. We see that is what the majority did in one review of Surah Hud. We need to cleanse our lenses and be emotionally mature to be able to receive advice.
We build strong fortresses to stay in our ‘bubble’ from what we perceive as ‘unsolicited advice’. However, we forget that our Deen is defined as sincere advice.
Tamim ad-Dari reported: The Prophet (sa) said, “The religion is sincere Naseeha.” We said, “To whom?” The Prophet (sa) said, “To Allah, His Book, His Messenger, the leaders of the Muslims, and their common people.” (Muslim)
Sahabah asked for counsel
If we embrace this subculture of privacy stemming from individualism, the system of sincere advice and enjoining good and forbidding evil will collapse. The strong walls of psychological defence mechanisms won’t let us prosper in this world or the Akhirah. Today when I reflect upon the lives of the most honourable, high-achieving Sahabah, I see a side I never saw earlier: seeking advice. Their Taqwa levels were never shallow enough to reject advice.
In the last few years, delving into self-improvement, I have invested a lot into learning and implementing Ahadith mentioning the Sahabah, which said أَوْصِني meaning ‘counsel me’. There are numerous instances when they actively sought advice: during battles, while travelling, before and after marrying, regarding children and especially regarding salvation النجاة. Sermons, Quran lessons and Khutbahs should also highlight that. We must break free from our fears about our relationships and social issues to truly understand the value of sincere counsel.
Why we dislike advice
Let’s explore a few possible psychological reasons that cause a person to reject or defy sincere advice from a learned person. I have personally observed this attitude in people during community mental health work and a few clients who struggled with family relations:
Psychological reasons
- Denial: Sometimes, a person refuses to experience and face a real-life situation because it is too hard to handle. The trial is so intense and painful that even sincere advice can be taken as a threat to their perceived peace of mind.
- Projection: A sister might be defensive due to tough circumstances in her life, like a difficult marriage or rebellious children. It would be hard for her to introspect. She tends to project her unpleasant feelings onto others. Sincere advice would then be seen as interference into someone’s privacy, making a person very reactive. This is usually seen in conflicting relationships with in-laws when Muslim women are stuck in a self-created dead end.
- Regression: We might be sincerely advised to act more maturely in certain situations. However, due to stress and anxiety, we refuse to listen and defend ourselves by being more childish in thought and deed. This is a means of self-protection. Regression is usually found in parents, elders of the household, and teenagers. When empathy and positive boundary setting are hard to implement, they turn to temper tantrums or attitudes of a younger self. They force obedience and compliance instead of accepting advice to ace the situation more effectively.
- Rationalization: This is the most common defence mechanism used in Muslim households when they counsel each other. Justifying actions has become common: children rationalize their misdeeds in front of parents and teachers; husband and wife justify how fair they are with each other. If we always put ourselves in a favourable light, claiming we are right and everyone else in the family is wrong, a substantial part of our life will be spent defying sincere advice from our closest circle.
Spiritual Reasons
- Ignorance about Allah: Only Allah is perfect and praiseworthy, but all humans are weak and imperfect. This immediately explains our position that we will err naturally and require guidance at different stages of our life. Sometimes this guidance comes to us through our parents, teachers, elders, friends, colleagues or strangers. Hence, a believer who wants to grow daily to please Allah is receptive to feedback or criticism. Our ancestors used to thank their advisers and deemed them as their well-wishers.
- Ignorance about the Prophet (SA): The Prophet (SA) was the most humble man who was beloved by Allah and elevated to the best rank among all humans. Yet he never declined sincere advice. To quote one incident, when the Muslims reached Badr, the Prophet (SA) dismounted to set up a camp. Hubab (RA) asked the Prophet (SA) if he had stopped due to divine revelation or if he could suggest a better camping place. After the Prophet (SA) gave him the go-ahead, Hubab led the army to an area near a well. This spot became a game-changer for the Muslim army. Hence the believers must know that Prophet (SA) took counsel eagerly. It’s a Sunnah to listen to advice attentively.
- Ignorance about pillars of Kufr: As believers, we are constantly engaged with the battle of the Nafs. If we do not know the pillars of Kufr, we can fall for them. They are arrogance, jealousy, anger and desires. These negative qualities do not align with the spirit of Islam, which demands a believer to develop the very opposite being, humility, generosity, patience and self-control. Not paying heed to advise or reacting to your criticism proves that we suffer from one of the negative issues. They need serious attention.
Etiquette of Advising
Therefore, the ‘Nasih’ (sincere advisor), in this era of trials and temptations, needs to focus most on the following etiquette of giving advice:
- Ibn Masood (RA) said: “People’s energy fluctuates; sometimes they are focused and receptive, and sometimes they lack energy and are not receptive. So approach people when they are energetic and receptive, and let them be when they lack energy and focus.” (Narrated by Ibn al-Mubarak in az-Zuhd).
- Jabir reported: The Messenger of Allah (SA) said, “If one of you consults his brother, then let him advise him.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah)
May Allah (SWT) not make us of those who decline the sincere advice of a true Nasih, our family and friends, especially our parents and parental figures. The following Dua has been helpful for me to overcome the defensive walls which I had built due to weak Iman:
اللهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ صِحَّةَ إِيمَانٍ وَإِيمَانًا فِي خُلُقٍ حَسَنٍ وَنَجَاحًا يَتْبَعُهُ فَلَاحٌ يَعْنِي وَرَحْمَةً مِنْكَ وَعَافِيَةً وَمَغْفِرَةً مِنْكَ وَرِضْوَانًا
Abu Hurairah reported: The Messenger of Allah (SA) said: “O Allah, I ask You for the health of my faith, such faith in good character, and salvation leading to success, Your mercy, Your wellness, Your forgiveness, and Your pleasure.” (Musnad Ahmad)
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