Family structure and family bonding play an important role in establishing a stable and peaceful society. Strong family units are dependent upon the relationship between parents. Mutual love, respect, and a relationship based on equity are the essence of marriage. Marriage, as mentioned in the Quran, is a pious relationship and its aim is to provide peace – Sukoon.
This means that our homes must be ‘Maskans’ – an idea that Nyda Taqi, a relationship coach, propagates. A Maskan is a place where peace reigns. Children brought up in a Maskan will learn to believe and trust people, and they will not doubt others’ intentions. Empathy and kindness will come naturally to them.
Cara Day, a behavioural therapist, says: “When a child grows up in a home that is loving in many ways – through physical touch, kind words and deeds, thoughtful acts of service for one another – they will naturally be drawn to a life partner, who holds these qualities. It will become the child’s barometer for what a spouse should be, because it is what he knows.”
According to popular research, children will copy the behaviours of parents even at very young ages. This means that if you are aggressive at home, your child will also be aggressive with his siblings, friends, and generally everyone. How should we then model our behaviour in front of our children?
The Three Rules of Love
We need to first know the three rules of love and learn how to manifest them in our behaviour.
- Unconditional Respect
The concept of unconditional respect simply means that no matter how big a difference you and your spouse face, you will never disrespect each other. What respect means to you and your spouse will be determined by you both and you will create your own ground rules. For example, one ground rule can be that we must never raise our voices while talking to each other.
One element of respect that I have witnessed dying out of all relationships is the patience to listen. With our parents, children, relatives, and even with our spouses we are either merely ‘hearing’ them, because we are always preoccupied with something else, or we are listening to them to reply, rather than to understand so we lose track of what they are saying because we do not agree with it.
Once, the Prophet (sa) was sitting in the company of his companion, and he kept getting distracted by a ring that he wore. It was one of his favourites – a silver ring embedded with an Abyssinian ruby. But he took it off and put it aside, saying it distracted him from listening to his companions attentively. Sheikh Omar Suleiman has beautifully connected this incident to our modern life by referring to the phone. Often, when we are having conversations that are supposed to be very intense and meaningful, we are distracted by our phones. How can we expect to show respect to the speaker by doing this?
Secondly, always make a point of listening to whatever your spouse has to say, instead of cutting them off and jumping to a conclusion. I remember reading about a couple, which decided that whenever one came to the other with a problem, they would ask whether they were expecting comfort or solutions. Their reply would form the basis for further discussion. This is also a practical way to make sure you are meeting the expectations of your partner and another great way to show respect for their feelings.
- Unconditional Trust
The gravest mistake a parent can make is to make a child spy on the other parent. If you are a husband, instead of asking your child what his mother was doing during the day, ask the mother – and vice versa. Give each other an appropriate amount of breathing space.
Another way you exhibit your trust in your partner is by not doubting their intentions. Ups and downs, small arguments, and disagreements are a part of every relationship. But to doubt someone’s intention, when something goes wrong, can lead to serious consequences. If something goes wrong, believe that whatsoever your partner did was with the best of intentions and the best of your interests at heart. This does not mean you cannot have a conversation around it but avoid playing blame games.
Another way to show that you trust your partner is to make them your confidant. This does not mean that you reveal to them the secrets Allah (swt) has covered for you. This just means that you do not hide from them what has been going on in your life, since you have been with them. You do not hide your shopping from him, or that you are planning a trip with your friends.
Something else you can do to exhibit trust is to protect the dignity of your spouse in front of others and especially in front of your children. Defend your spouse, if somebody ill speaks of their weaknesses in front of your children. If you share an appropriate bond with this person, tell them not to do it, neither in front of you, nor in front of your children. Secondly, do not uncover or discuss your spouse’s weaknesses with your own children.
- Expression of Love
The Prophet (sa) was never shy to express love for his wives. Take, for example, the famous incident when Amr bin Al-Aas (rtam) came to the Prophet (sa) and asked him about the person he loved the most, and the Prophet (sa) publicly and proudly proclaimed: “Aisha.” Even Amr bin Al-Aas (rtam) was taken aback, and he hurriedly added: “Who among men?” to which the Prophet (sa) replied: “Her father”, hence connecting also this relation to his wife.
The entire life of the Prophet (sa) is full of such incidences, where he expressed his love for his wives in front of other people. It is most important that appropriate gestures of love are exhibited in front of children as well, so that they may witness the essence of marriage and perceive it positively. Such gestures include holding hands, giving gifts, and saying positive things to uplift each other. Even simple gestures, such as smiling at each other every now and then, getting dressed up when the spouse is returning home, and speaking highly of them in their absence are proof enough for your children that you love your spouse.
The way parents communicate with each other also depicts the strength of their relationship. Children notice what goes on between parents, even when they are simply looking at each other. To be a role model for your children, you will have to make a conscious effort in how you speak, act, and even look.
The way parents address disagreements and solve problems is instructive for children and helps them learn such valuable skills as conflict resolution. These skills are not just beneficial for them in their personal lives but also in their professional careers. Yelling and fighting can leave your children scarred for life.
By applying these tips, we hope to change our home into a Maskan, where children feel protected, cherished and happy – a source of inspiration for their future relationships and a source of stability in a society fraught with conflict and dilemmas.
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