One after another, people come on the stage to congratulate you after your marriage contract has been signed. They hand you an envelope with a hastily written note on the back. You demur but only customarily and then stuff it into your coat pocket or purse.
The tradition of giving Salami (a token of money at weddings) is sandwiched between so many other customs and traditions that we rarely question its purpose and spirit of giving. However, as with every action in life, we ought to be mindful of the intent and benefit of gifting this money.
What is Salami?
The Salami is money given by the guests to the bride and groom during the wedding functions held to celebrate their marriage.
Why is it given?
This is a token that serves the dual purpose of a contribution towards the wedding expenses and a gift. In rural areas, guests may come to stay with the family for prolonged periods. In such cases, instead of money, guests may bring food items to help with the cost of managing all the visitors. In many smaller cities and even other countries, money given at weddings takes the form of a loan. The amount is carefully recorded and eventually reciprocated equally or more. As a debt that needs to be repaid, there is clarity on whom it is being paid to and who needs to return it.
Does giving gifts in the form of money have any basis in Islam?
Scholars agree that giving gift money has no precedence in the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (sa) or his companions. References are found for giving gifts only – Islam encourages the giving of gifts as a means of increasing love between people. However, scholars do agree that giving money gifts at the time of marriage is permissible.
Hence, as the practice is merely tradition or custom there is nothing from the Sunnah to take guidance from directly. When social customs benefit us and do not go against any Islamic principles, we can keep practicing them. However, when such customs become a burden, begin to go against the injunctions of Islamic principles, or cause strife and discontent, then they need to be re-evaluated and possibly discarded.
How should the Salami be distributed?
As mentioned earlier, there is a precedent in Islamic tradition for giving gifts but not money. In the case of gifts, these are for the newlyweds and should be kept by them. In the case of money, since there is no clear precedent in Islamic tradition, one may find a variety of contradicting opinions on this matter.
In the close-knit traditional family culture of Pakistan, children often tend to maintain very co-dependent relationships with their parents well into adulthood, marriage, and beyond. As a result, it’s understandable that bridal gift money will go the parents. For example, one oft-quoted Hadeeth about the rights of parents over their children’s wealth is the following:
It was narrated from Jabir ibn ‘Abdullah that a man said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have wealth and children, but my father wants to take all my wealth.” He said, “You and your wealth are for your father.” (Ibn Majah, Ibn Hibban, and Ahmad)
This Hadeeth is often used to justify that a father may take from his son whatever he wishes, and that the son must be patient, as it is his father’s right. However, the true meaning of the Hadeeth is lost in translation, where the phrase “for your father” is often interpreted as a term of possession. Various scholars have agreed that this refers to permission for a father to use the wealth of his son; however, certain conditions apply on when it is permissible. Briefly, these conditions are: 1) taking the wealth does not harm the son, 2) it does not compromise his son’s needs, 3) it is not taken to give to another child and, lastly 3) that the father genuinely needs it.
Therefore, contrary to the popular belief, the father (or the parents of the groom) does not have an unequivocal right over the monetary gifts.
How can this issue be resolved?
We should, therefore, look to resolve this matter based on our Iman. As Muslims, we should be careful about ensuring that no one is deprived of their rights and that all matters are resolved amicably and respectfully. A straightforward, fair discussion beforehand would avoid later arguments and confusions. Understanding and willingness to cooperate should be there from both parties involved. Parents should be willing to consult their children, listen to what they have to say, attempt to understand their point of view, and give them some leverage, as they start their life independently, instead of stream rolling them with one sided instructions, manipulative ultimatums, and endless power struggles. Likewise, children should take decisions regarding their wedding responsibly, and be willing to compromise and cooperate, instead of bullying their parents with temper tantrums and inconsiderate demands.
Keeping in view that the core purpose of the Salami was to help in the expenses of the wedding, then it should follow that whoever has incurred the expenses is the most deserving. Traditionally the cost of the Nikah and Barat (wedding function) is borne by the bride’s family and only the cost of the Walima is borne by the groom’s side. It would follow that the Salami may be divided proportionately between both hosting families and the newlyweds. The financial status and needs of the hosts as well as of the new couple should also be considered.
Treating each other with Ihsan would attract greater reward from Allah (swt). Our weddings should be conducted in accordance with the rulings of Islam, and we should our aim to seek Allah’s (swt) pleasure and avoid His anger. While planning our weddings, we should keep the following Quranic verses in mind:
“Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted – let him spend from what Allah has given him…” (At-Talaq 65:7)
“And [they are] those who, when they spend, do so not excessively or sparingly but are ever, between that [justly] moderate.” (Al-Furqan 25:67)
“…and eat and drink, but be not excessive. Indeed, He likes not those who commit excess.” (Al-Araf 7:31)
And Allah (swt) knows best.
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