There is a leaky faucet in your kitchen. Your husband comes in with his toolkit and you comment: “Tsk, you are going to fix the leaky faucet?” With just one phrase, you have bruised his ego, and you did not just take a pin and prick it – you took a knife and you shoved it into his heart. Like literary, the husband will say: “So you think I cannot even take care of a leaky faucet? You don’t think I am capable of this? What do you think am I capable of then?”
I am going to be very frank here, because I speak as a man. Men have big egos – their egos, Masha’Allah, Tabarakallah. If you do anything to diminish that ego, you have hurt male pride. So you let the man foster his ego. Let him. If you think he is self-deluded, let him be self-deluded, and he will love you back in return. At the end of the day, that is what you want, isn’t it? You want to be loved and cherished and admired. Let him make the mistake.
Frankly, if your husband does take on a challenge, you will be surprised, when nine times out of ten, he will actually finish it in a decent manner. This is the factor that matters. Allah (swt) created us the way that we make mistakes again and again. It diminishes his ego and is very humiliating when you always hover over him, pinpointing his faults. The man feels he is the protector. If you will challenge him and say: “How can you protect me from a leaky faucet?” then you have basically said: “I don’t trust your judgement.” You have conveyed the message: “I don’t feel you’re qualified to take on… protecting me and taking care of the household.” The bottom line is: let him take on his challenges.
Suppose he wants to write a book or do a project. Let him find out his own way. Maybe he is not the best plumber, fine. But when you diminish his ego, this will cause problems and will in the end be harder on you – he is not going to love you the way you want him to love you, so you need to allow him the impression of being the nourisher, the provider, the Qawwam. He is the one who will protect you. So, you take refuge in him and seek shelter in him: “Yes, honey, you will fix the leaky faucet.” Insha’Allah, he will actually end up fixing the leaky faucet.
When you must bring up something negative, and sometimes you have to (I am not saying you always be quiet and never point out a mistake), choose your wording and the tone of your voice with great caution. One of the main reasons why men complain about the nagging of their wives is because they feel a woman’s nagging is equivalent to disrespecting. Let’s get back to the leaky faucet again: “Honey, you have not fixed the faucet yet.” “Can you fix the faucet?” “When are you going to fix the faucet?”
When you keep on putting it this way, what will happen? The man will now feel hatred towards fixing that faucet: “She is bothering me so much!” It is not going to bring a positive change. By the way, the reason why the man is not fixing the faucet is because he has other priorities. He has a deadline at work, and he knows that that deadline is more important. So, what you can do is remind him in a gentle manner: “Honey, I know I reminded you last week of that leaky faucet. I know you have other things to do. But whenever you get a chance, Insha’Allah, can you take care of that?” This portrays your understanding, the right tone and a positive attitude, rather than being sarcastic and negative.
Sister, if you must complain, never use the word ‘you’; rather, use ‘I’. Let me give you an example. Your husband comes home late, and he did not inform you about it. You get angry at him: “You never call me when you are late! You should always call me!” What have you just done? Daunted him, right? It is perfectly fine for mothers and fathers to say to their children: “Beta, you must call, if you are getting late.” However, if wife does this, honestly, it is not going to bring about love. You know what? I will teach you a miracle phrase – when you say it, every time he is late, he will call you. What is that phrase? “Honey, you did not call me about getting late, and I was worried about you. I did not know where you were, so I did not know what to think.”
Instantaneously you will give him such a big guilt trip that he will go to the moon and come back for you. It is just a matter of phrasing it, so that you make him feel like a man. You were supposed to take care of me and you did not, because you made me feel worried for your safety. That is all you did. Rather than treating him like a child and rebuking him, you become the wife and say: “I got worried, because you were late. I was waiting for your call.”
The same can be applied to any situation. Supposed the husband was bit harsh in something he said. Rather than saying: “You always say that!” you should say: “I felt hurt when you used this phrase.” Turn it back to yourself – when you say that you felt hurt, automatically your husband would feel: “Man… I was too harsh… I should not have done that.” He will feel guilty, and that is what you want your husband to feel, when he has been a bit harsh to you. When you rebuke him, he is not going to feel guilty – I am sure you all know this from experience.
If you want him to feel like a man, be a woman: act in a feminine manner and he will come and be your savior. Do remember that you have to be the damsel in distress to get the knight in shining armour! Until you become the damsel in distress, that knight in shining armour is never going to appear.
Transcribed for “Hiba” by Faiza Rizwan – Volunteer for hiba.
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