In 1992, John Gray, Ph.D., came up with a remarkable publication called “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. This book was meant to be a practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationships.
He felt the need to write this book when USA was hit by a storm of divorces, which continued to spiral upwards. He also underwent a personal painful relationship, until he remarried and found wisdom with his spouse on his cumbersome marital journey. Following are some root causes and suggested strategies for both genders to understand and overcome the communication deadlock that may result in failed relationships.
How men can listen without getting angry
For women, communication is of the highest importance. The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s primary love need is through communication. Remember, she seeks from a man: care, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. Every man should engrave this on his heart for a loving relationship.
Relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not burn out. Love often fails, because people instinctively give what they want. Remember a woman does not want what you do. She is different just as you are, but this difference can be celebrated and bridged with patience and understanding.
The most wonderful gift that a man can give to a woman is genuinely listening to what she has to say without showing anger and feeling frustrated.
When she expresses herself, she feels understood. In return, she is able to give him what he seeks from her:
- loving trust
- acceptance
- appreciation
- admiration
- approval
- encouragement
Exceptions will always exist. However, following is a brief chart for men to understand the gender differences. These are some suggestions for men to handle difficult situations, when women may feel threatened.
| What men must remember | What to do and what not to do |
| 1. Men feel angry, when they do not understand the woman’s point of view. Remember that this is not the woman’s fault. | 1. Take responsibility to understand. Do not blame her for upsetting you. Make Dua to open your communication for an improved relationship and start again to understand what she means.
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| 2. Do remember that feelings are still valid and need empathy. With patient listening and genuine understanding, angry emotions can be understood. | 2. Breathe deeply, ask for Allah’s (swt) help, and do not respond right away. Do not try to control the conversation. Try to imagine how you would feel, if you see the world with her eyes.
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| 3. Sometimes men feel angry when they cannot help a woman in distress. Know that even if she does not feel better right away, your listening and understanding are still helping. | 3. Do not blame her for not feeling better by your solutions. In fact, resist the urge to offer solutions. A woman needs to be heard, not offered a rescue plan whenever she is upset.
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| 4. You do not have to agree with her point of view for becoming a good listener. | 4. If you wish to offer a different point of view let her finish first. Rephrase what she said so she feels understood. Offer your point without raising your voice.
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| 5. You do not have to fully understand her point of view to succeed in being a good listener. | 5. Let her know that you do not understand but want to. Take responsibility for understanding her. Do not judge her or imply that she cannot be understood.
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| 6. You are not responsible for how she feels. She may sound as though she is blaming you, but what a woman really needs is to be heard and understood.
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6. Do not defend yourself. Once you have understood what she means, gently explain yourself and apologize if needed.
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| 7. If she makes you angry, she probably mistrusts you. Deep inside her is a scared little girl, who is afraid of opening up and being hurt. At this point, she needs your kindness and compassion. | 7. Do not argue with her feelings and opinions. Take time out and discuss later, when emotions are less charged. |
How women can empower men
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him, until he asks. Remember, he seeks from a woman: loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. Every woman should write this down somewhere and pin it up to remind herself.
It may be difficult for a woman to live with a man’s imperfections. But she can only help him grow, if he directly or specifically asks for her advice. Otherwise, all attempts by a woman to make him a better man hurt the man’s pride and most critically damage their relationship.
A man feels broken, controlled, manipulated, rejected and unloved, when a woman tries to change him. He goes into resistance. A woman mistakenly believes the man does not love her anymore. Whereas the man feels that the woman is trying to change him, because she does not love him the way he is.
There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn to change. The other one will agree under pressure and later forget, and revert back to the old behaviour.
The most wonderful gift that a woman can give to a man is to initially genuinely love and accept him with all his defects, so that he wants to improve himself for her ultimately.
When he feels accepted and admired, he feels loved. In return, he is able to give her what a woman seeks from a man:
- care
- understanding
- respect
- devotion
- validation
- reassurance
There may be exceptions – however, following is a brief chart for women to understand the gender differences. These are some suggestions to handle volatile situations with patience.
| What women must remember | What to do and what not to do |
| 1. Remember – do not ask him too many questions when he is upset, or he will feel you are trying to control him. | 1. Ignore that he is upset, unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show some initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk.
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| 2. Give up the urge to improve him in any way, when he is upset. He needs your love, not rejection to grow. | 2. Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but without demanding that he change.
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| 3. When you offer unsolicited advice, he may feel mistrusted. He will seek your advice, once he knows he will not be ridiculed, criticized, or insulted repeatedly. | 3. Make Dua to Allah (swt) and practice patience. Trust that he will learn what he needs to. Wait until he asks for your advice.
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| 4. When a man resists change, he is not feeling loved. He is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of losing love. That is interpreted as his male ego or stubbornness. | 4. Practice showing him that he does not have to be perfect to deserve your love and attention. Practice forgiveness.
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| 5. If you make sacrifices and talk about them and also expect him to behave the same, he will feel pressured to change. | 5. Practice doing things for yourself and not depending upon him to make you happy.
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| 6. Remember you can share negative feelings without blaming him. When he feels accepted, it is easier for him to listen and understand.
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6. When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do. But you do want him to consider your feelings.
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| 7. If you give him directions and make decisions for him, he will feel corrected and controlled. | 7. Relax and surrender. Make his feelings more important than perfection. Do not lecture or correct him. Soft and subtle works best with men as opposed to harsh and aggressive. |
Both genders can support each other, only if they know each other’s primary needs and unique values. Change and growth will become automatic. This communication will also enable love and make your interaction more gratifying, Insha’Allah.
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