Marriage and divorce are choices.
According to Nouman Ali Khan: “Allah (swt) has presented an exhaustive discourse about divorce. He has dedicated the 65th Surah of the Quran to this important event of life and titled it Surah At-Talaq.” How can it be impermissible then?
Divorce is not encouraged or glorified, but it is considered a natural outcome after a failed or abusive relationship. Hence, Allah (swt) and the Prophet (sa) have extensively guided the Ummah to develop coping skills to overcome this emotional trauma and steer back life onto the straight path.
The Action Plan
- Know what the Quran says
“And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever lies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a (decreed) extent.” (At-Talaq 65:3)
It is natural to worry about financial situation, especially if one is a divorced woman without an independent means of income. In the above Ayah, Allah (swt), Ar-Razzaq, the One Who provides for all that He has created, assures us of His sustenance. The idea is not to beg people, not to resort to undignified means of finding Rizq, and not fall into any Haram. Remember, in times of distress, a Mumin fastens himself or herself to Allah’s (swt) remembrance and obedience. This is the ultimate handhold for a scared and sad soul.
- Know what the Seerah shows
People came to the Prophet (sa) to ask for the annulment of their marriage. He never asked anyone for justification or an extensive explanation for their decision. Never did the Prophet (sa) advise any woman to be patient about her abusive marriage, as is the common advice given to women in our society. The logic behind this could be that marriage is a companionship that requires peace and trust. Once that departs from a relationship, the animosity two individuals develop for each other can harm their Akhirah due to the evil they might commit against each other and their children, who would be witnessing a bad example of matrimony.
- Attend to your needs
After or during the course of a divorce, one may develop a gloomy outlook on life altogether. This can lead to depression over the past, anxiety about the future, or stress about the present circumstances. Hire a counsellor or a therapist to help you heal emotionally and mentally. Eat right, exercise, and do what brings you relief and peace.
Spiritually, engage in Dhikr and worship, so it can further your Ibadah. If you are emotionally and mentally traumatized, prayer alone may not be sufficient for cheering you up. You may need a combination of prayer, acts of worship, and a conscious effort to align your lifestyle to the Quran and the Sunnah.
- Step out of guilt
Learn to let go of other people’s expectations. We can only control ourselves, not others. In some cases, the divorcee blames himself or herself for not trying hard enough. In other cases, they blame themselves for staying too long in a toxic relationship, which they should have ended sooner. Sometimes, they blame others for dragging them into this relationship (most often parents). Believe in the Qadr of Allah (swt), the All-Powerful, and move on. It was destined to happen, and good times can be waiting for you ahead, if you are upon Iman, Insha’Allah.
- Do not associate your happiness with others
After a broken relationship, it is time to step back and re-discover your relationship with Allah (swt). Find your peace with Allah (swt). Do not pin your happiness and hopes onto your ex-spouse or others.
Do not overwhelm yourself by re-hashing the past or by mulling over how others have wronged you. This will eat you away. Allah (swt) is presenting you with an opportunity to start anew. Others may not like us, but Allah (swt) will always love us. People are prejudiced, but Allah (swt) is Merciful. Others maybe harsh and cold, but Allah (swt) is Generous and Forbearing. People expect perfection, but Allah (swt) expects sincere efforts that enable you to reach your true potential.
- Improve your self-esteem
After a relationship ends, people sometimes develop low self-esteem. They believe that lightening does not strike twice. A negative self-talk develops: “Now that I am divorced, who will marry me? Who will want a divorcee like me?” In such distressful times, remind yourself that Allah (swt) is Al-Aziz, the Most Mighty. Take refuge in His worship. Join a circle of Quran studies and make spiritually uplifted friends, who believe in the goodness of people. Allah (swt) has created every soul with an inherent righteousness, strengths, and abilities. Just because your ex-spouse or someone else was unable to see it, does not mean that you should doubt your self-worth.
- Understand what fulfills you
Though spouses are encouraged to express their admiration for each other, one should not feel needy, deprived, or miserable if they do not do so. Similarly, when a spousal relationship ends, we should not believe that it was our spouse who completed us and provided us with security.
Our status in Islam is defined by our relationship with Allah (swt), not people. Allah (swt) is Al-Hayy, The Ever-Living, whereas people are mortal and Allah (swt) has created them with the weakness to err in judgement and perception. No one will stay firm besides us forever, not even our loved ones. Intend to please only Allah (swt) for the Hereafter and stop relying on people for approval and validation.
- Make Dua for your ex-spouse
Tragically, the worst character sometimes surfaces, when marital relationships are coming to an end. Allah (swt) explicitly commands Adl (justice) and Ihsan (beautiful deeds) even upon the termination of marriages. Seldom do we witness this. Change the narrative and actively try to be just and forbearing. One way is to make Dua for your ex-spouse to receive Divine Guidance and, Allah (swt) willing, it might benefit them and they might repent. Many individuals come to their senses and mature after a broken relationship.
Lastly and most importantly, Islam does not compel anyone to stay in a toxic spousal relationship. Allah (swt) never condemned divorce. Otherwise, He would not have permitted it. It is our erroneous culture that sends divorcees on a guilt trip and insists that they face shame and remain single for the rest of their lives. Why? A divorce does not make you a better or worse Muslim in the sight of Allah (swt), especially if there is oppression in the relationship.
There will be people who might advise you to be like Nuh (as) or Asiya (as) and bear the abuse for the rest of your life. But know that Islam is a religion of mercy. It never demands anyone to make their lives miserable. Marriages are the foundation of a stable society, and an unhappy marriage will breed discontent and strife in all affected families and their friends. Your potential is trapped; you can neither live in peace yourself nor you can raise your children with focus and love. The entire purpose of marriage is defeated.
“It is Allah Who has created seven heavens and of the earth, the like of them. (His) command descends among them so you may know that Allah is over all things competent and that Allah has encompassed all things in knowledge.” (At-Talaq 65:12)
About author
