By Amina Ahmed – Sociologist and observer of the world
I got married in the summer of 2021, when the world had shut down due to the Delta Variant of Covid-19. We did not want to delay the marriage and decided to proceed with the wedding by making some adjustments to suit the Covid restrictions; however, we also ensured that we did not compromise on the joy, beauty, and the togetherness that planning a wedding can bring. In the following paragraphs, I will share my experiences of having a small, cost-effective but extremely charming wedding. While the tradition of small weddings may have become more popular because of the pandemic, I hope that this is just the beginning.
- Set your Intentions
Before you start anything – planning, shopping, decorating, inviting – ask yourself: why am I having a small, cost-effective wedding? There might be many answers to the question: Covid, inflation, or personal preference. There might also be more than one answer to the question.
Whether you have always wanted a small wedding or not, make sure that one of your core reasons for having a small wedding is because it lies within the Sunnah of our Prophet (sa) and the spirit of Islam.
Having a small wedding avoids extravagance, showing off, jealousy, and so many other social illnesses that stem from a public display of wealth and beauty. If your intention, or one of your multiple intentions, of having a small wedding is to respect and follow the spirit of our Deen when it comes to celebrations, make sure you declare that to yourself.
Once your intention is set, the blessings will begin to pour in. If you have always wanted a big wedding but are compromising on the grandness of the event to comply with Islamic rulings, once you clarify your intention, Allah (swt) will open your heart to it. And then will follow the ease: you will find doors open for you and support and joy coming forth from unexpected sources. When you set out to follow Allah’s (swt) commands, Allah (swt) will in turn send Barakah your way.
- Remove the Idea of What a Wedding Looks Like
Many of us in Pakistan, and Pakistanis living abroad, have grown up with Bollywood in the background. That is what a wedding is supposed to look like, right? Wrong. That is a representation of glamorized and exceedingly expensive weddings. Besides, it is a movie set, which is very different from a wedding hall or drawing-room at home. There is no ‘right’ look for a wedding. As you embark on this journey of a non-traditional wedding, you must clear out from your mind this fantasy idea of what a wedding looks like. Your smaller, simpler arrangements will not look like the Bollywood wedding you might have grown up seeing, but it will still be beautiful, worthwhile, and very memorable.
- Plan a Budget
You have decided to have a small, cost-effective wedding but everyone defines ‘small’ and ‘cost-effective’ in a different way.
Map out how much you are willing to spend on the event, the preparations, and so forth. A good way to begin the budgeting process is to list down everything you want and need for the wedding to proceed. Take your time with this budget – think carefully about what your wants and needs are.
Next, decide the range you are willing to spend (minimum and maximum) for each item. Be realistic, as you draw these figures. If the average price for a floral setting is Rs.10,000, do not fool yourself into estimating it as Rs 3,000-7,000. Do some market research (a quick Google search, a few phone calls, or scroll through Instagram) to find out the actual prices.
At the end of this exercise, summate the maximum price for each item and you have your budget that will allow you to spend without guilt. Once you have decided to spend a certain amount on an item, you will not need to keep wondering whether it is worth it. Try to stay within this budget, but allow yourself a little room for flexibility in case of unforeseen costs.
- Decide your Non-Negotiables
Everything does not have to be compromised. Each individual will have particular non-negotiable ideas for their wedding. You should have the same. For us, it was the standard of food. We have been to too many events, where people have suffered a stomach ache or food poisoning right after a wedding. We decided that we would allow ourselves to spend more on quality, clean food to ensure no one gets sick later on.
For you, a non-negotiable may be a photographer to keep memories of your special day. Maybe it is a particular floral decoration that you have always wanted. It is okay to have something you want, but you cannot want everything. Note down what is non-negotiable for you and allow yourself to have fun with it. These little non-negotiables can go a long way to make sure you have a delightful wedding. For instance, I wanted to get flower bracelets for all my guests so that they could feel welcomed to the event. This was not a ‘need’ but a ‘want’, and one that I was able to fit into my budget when shopping local. You do not have to deny yourself joy or pleasure – just make sure you actively avoid expenditures that drop into the extravagance department.
- Simplify!
Cutting down on the scale and number of events can help simplify your marriage ceremony. While we are accustomed to seeing three to five events per wedding, it is completely okay to have only a single event, or perhaps two! My Nikah and Walimah were done on the same day, hosted at home. I also had a small get together with all my female friends and family a week prior to the wedding. These events were special and intimate, something I may not have been able to preserve if I had hosted five events.
- Shop Local
Designer brands and wedding event planners cost a freakishly large amount of money. My floral decoration was done by a flower store located in Gizri (Karachi). My Mehendi was done by two sisters, who had recently started their Henna business on Instagram. My makeup was done by my younger sister who is an artist.
Shopping local is your best solution. Not only will your costs stay low, but you will also be able to support businesses in your own community, which are often paid very little by wedding planners and do not receive the kind of publicity or support they deserve.
- No Shame in Borrowing
In that same light, if there is something you are able to borrow, because you will never use it again in your entire life, borrow it. There is no shame in borrowing items that you do not want to own. I borrowed some jewellery from my mom, because I do not frequently wear jewellery and did not want the hassle of owning and caring for it. This does not mean that you should be asking people if you can borrow their treasured items. But if someone trusts you enough to let you borrow and you feel that you can return it in perfect condition, do not feel ashamed.
- Keep it Small
You cannot invite 1500 individuals to a wedding and expect it to be cost-effective. You do not have to invite everyone. There is no perfect number of guests, because the sizes and dynamics of families are different. As you make your guest lists, think about how you can keep it small, without hurting anyone’s feelings.
I invited only my grandparents, my parents’ siblings and their families, and my two best friends. For the rest of those who were not invited, we explained why we were keeping the event small and also sent Mithai (sweets), so that they were included in the celebrations. Make sure no one feels left out. The best way to do this is through conversation. Explain your reasons. Encourage dialogue about small weddings. Make sure no one thinks you are singling them out, but that you are in an effort to change a tradition of large, extravagant weddings. You might inspire them to do the same!
- Not Everyone will Support You
Not everyone agrees with the idea of simple weddings, so not everyone will support you. The ideal wedding might be engraved in the minds of many people. Change is scary and often prompts resistance, which can cause tension in the family. At continual intervals, remind yourself of why you are doing what you are doing. It will help you persist when the roads get rocky. As for those who struggle to understand or accept this non-traditional format of the wedding, I found it very helpful to share with them a copy of the following book: “Getting Married the Islamic Way” (Dawah Books), so they may come to understand my ideology pertaining to small, simpler weddings.
- Make Peace with the Imperfections
You grow up thinking your wedding will be a perfect day. Much like any other day in our life, it will have its ups and downs. Make peace with the imperfections. If your Henna smudges a little or some of your decorations do not look how you envisioned them, do not worry about it. The day might not be perfect, but it is special. No one cares about the imperfections – they are just happy to be celebrating with you! This day is special not only to you and those you are celebrating with, but also in the eyes of Allah (swt), because you actively decided to pursue His guidelines and the Prophet’s (sa) Sunnah in your wedding. That does not go unnoticed or unrewarded.
As you go through the wedding experience, remember what the true purpose of marriage is and that the actual day of the wedding is one of many days you are to spend as a married couple for the rest of your lives. It might not be perfect, but with the right intentions, I do not doubt that it will be a joyful way to start your new journey ahead.
Additional Tips
- Give a lot of Sadaqah to the workers and helpers at every step.
- Include your house help in your guest list.
- Segregate your events.
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