Identifying and Preventing Emotional and Spiritual Abuse

Standing in a passage outside some shops, I caught sight of a little girl enjoying her ice-cream cone, when its topping suddenly slipped to the ground. She started to cry loudly, upon which her mother, who had walked ahead, turned around, pulled her harshly to the side and lashed out at her for being careless. The child kept crying for her lost ice-cream, so the mother pulled the empty cone from the child’s hand and slapped her own intact cone into her palm, all the while giving her an angry stare. The dazed child was now sobbing, as she trailed behind her mum. The episode was over, but why did I feel upset over a common scene between exhausted mothers and their kids?

The episode had upset me, as I perceived this mother-child interaction in light of my research into both communication and trauma. The mother’s response seemed harsh to the point of abuse, as if she was taking out her frustrations on a vulnerable child. And the little girl was too young to make sense of her mother’s aggressive response – she could not see how her parent lacked the essential skills to console her. The interaction had left them disconnected.

When the word abuse comes up, physical abuse comes to mind. Despite the prevalence of psychological abuse, it generally goes unnoticed. This is because psychological abuse takes subtle, less visible forms that are more difficult to recognize and call out. Often the perpetrators of psychological abuse and their victims do not recognize it for what it is and its insidious impact on an individual’s psyche, self-concept, growth, health and relationships. Nor do we as a society understand its implications.

In the space of this article, I will attempt to give the reader an overview of what emotional and spiritual abuse is, how to recognize it, and what influence it has on the victims. I will also suggest some ways to bring change. I will look at this subject mostly in the context of parent and child relationship, but many of the basic principles are the same for instances of abuse in adult relationships.

Recognizing Emotional and Spiritual Abuse

Sometimes the psychological abusers lack awareness and do not recognize their behaviour as abusive or harmful. In other cases, the abusers may be acting deliberately, using the dynamics of psychological manipulation to their advantage. Sometimes the abuse arises out of the misconceptions parents have with respect to their children [See Box A].

Often the child or adult receiving the abuse feel assaulted but lacks a frame of reference to comprehend its nature; some may even think mistreatment is a normal part of life.

Dr. Lawrence Heller, an expert in developmental trauma, notes that a child cannot recognize that there could be something wrong in his parent’s capacity to love; instead, he thinks there must be something wrong with him.

A closer look at emotional and spiritual abuse should help improve our capacity to recognize abusive behaviour and the damage it can do.

What is Emotional Abuse?

“Psychology Today” helps us understand emotional abuse with this defining feature: Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in the same way as physical abuse, but the only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical forms of harm; instead, the perpetrator uses emotion as his or her weapon of choice.

Some common forms emotional abuse can take include:

• Emotional blackmailing – persuading a person to do something by manipulating their kindness or sense of duty.
• Constant criticism – repeatedly pointing out mistakes; excessive blaming and shaming; unnecessary comparisons.
• Abusive language – name-calling, cursing, yelling, insulting jokes, ridiculing in front of others, or belittling.
• Intimidating body language – hostile looks, dominating and threatening postures.
• Gaslighting – planting doubt in a way that the other distrusts their own perception of reality, and may even doubt their own sanity.
• Scapegoating – assigning false blame for something; projecting your own shortcomings on the other.
• Emotional withholding – withholding love and affection, ignoring, giving silent treatment, minimizing needs, refusing to listen, showing indifference or invalidation.
• Isolating – restricting access to friends, resources or healthy activities; leaving unattended.
• Refusing to take responsibility as an adult – making false promises, telling lies, shifting blame, reacting in emotionally immature ways, encouraging or rewarding bad behaviour.

Impact of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse affects the victim’s psyche – the damage goes deep below the surface and does not leave a clear trace or visible wound. Infants and children need their parents to fulfill their basic emotional and physical needs. But when these needs are ignored or when caregivers are emotionally distant, children view the world as unsafe.

When controlled and punished through fear and emotional tactics, they lose trust in others and develop anxiety. Thinking the fault is in them, children may internalize that they are unlovable and discount their own needs. They may feel anger and turn that anger inwards, which may come out as acts of self-injury.

When parents are excessively dismissive and discouraging towards their children, it chips away at their self-worth, sense of independence and initiative, stifling their social and emotional growth. Since nothing they do seems good enough, they are conditioned to give up easily.

When the emotional abuse threatens the child beyond what the child’s psyche can handle, it may lead to dissociation and trauma with long-term adverse implications. In fact, a number of mental illnesses are associated with childhood trauma.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

‘Spiritual’ is an umbrella term to refer to the part of ourselves that experiences connection with something outside ourselves, the sacred or divine. Spiritual abuse is the misuse of religion or claims to spirituality to control and manipulate another person.

Below are some categories of spiritual abuse common in our society:

• Taking Quranic verses and Ahadeeth out of context – cherry picking Quranic Ayaat and Ahadeeth to support one’s argument, while leaving out religious references, which give a balanced perspective on the issue.
• Portraying a black and white worldview – pushing one’s agenda by suggesting there are just two choices between good and evil, and what is being demanded is the only right option.
• Threatening with God’s anger and punishment – intimidating the other into doing or refraining from something by invoking God’s wrath or hellfire.
• Manipulating on the basis of religious rights and responsibilities – selectively referring to rights and responsibilities that only serve the abuser.
• Contradiction in words and action – enforcing high religious/spiritual standards but not adhering to them oneself.
• Abuse of religious authority – using one’s authority as a religious figure to take undue favours.
• Creating false rules and doctrine – distorting religious doctrine or creating rules not inherent in the religious texts to coerce the other to do one’s bidding.
• Discouraging explorative questions – judging and punishing children, when they raise questions to understand religion better.

Impact of Spiritual Abuse

Spirituality is that core component that permeates all aspects of our being: our thinking, emotions and behaviour. Intimidating, inconsistent or incoherent religious messages can, therefore, leave a person disoriented at every level of their existence, especially about self and God. The damage can be life-long, with a person literally struggling to get their soul back.

Parents’ black and white approach to religious matters can create a rigid, close-minded belief system in children. As adults, they may adopt extreme views, falsely equating them with piety. Not being allowed to question can leave children with unsatisfactory answers and an inability to explore and navigate their own spiritual landscape.

Spiritually abused children or adults may feel worthless, and consider themselves as bad Muslims and sinners, constantly berating themselves for doing less than what is expected of them. Fear, shame and guilt induced in God’s name can deeply affect the child’s relationship with Allah (swt). The relationship could become mostly infused with fear, instead of love and mercy.

A friend once narrated how her mother told her bedtime stories about hell and that bad children would end up in hellfire. Now, decades later, she still feels distant from anything spiritual or religious. A lifelong distrust of religion is one of the most damaging implications of spiritual abuse.

Changing the Culture of Abuse and Rebuilding Connections

How Abuse Disconnects From Everything Meaningful

Overall, when psychological abuse is pervasive and overwhelming, it significantly disrupts personality development; the earlier in life the experience, the more dramatic the impact. Emotional and spiritual abuse disconnects us from ourselves, from our capacity to relate with others, and also from our Creator. It negatively influences health and leads to cognitive, emotional and relational impairments.

When children frequently act out, are oppositional, irritable, defensive, anti-social, rebellious, anxious or sad, they may be displaying patterns of behaviour that they learnt in trying to cope with the psychological abuse by their caregivers and the lack of a supportive environment. What parents may identify as a behaviour problem in a child may be a product of their abusive parenting style and the disconnection the child experiences.

Abuse is Built into our Culture

The abuse may be generational and include extended family members. Rana Rais Khan, the editor-in-chief of Hiba Magazine, shared with me a case of a ten-year-old student, who was subjected to both physical and verbal abuse. Both parents hit the child and asked her to lie about the bruises in school. The grandparents told her that this was what she would face if she would not listen to her parents. What is surprising is that the parents are practicing Muslims, professionals, and even involved in philanthropic work. There appears to be a disturbing contrast between how they appear to the world and what goes on at home.

Nouman Ali Khan, founder of Bayyinah Institute, observes that there are two kinds of abusers. There is the abuser who does the abuse (hitting, insulting, degrading, etc.), and then there are the silent parties all around, who watch the evil happen and are quiet. Quoting Ayat 17 from Surah Fajr – “No! But you do not honour the Yateem (orphan)” – he highlights that though God commanded us to honour children, who lack protection, it is alarming that we do not even dignify the children in our own homes. Ustadh Nouman warns us that the Ayat – “And when the girl [who was] buried alive is asked For what sin she was killed?” (At-Takwir 81:8-9) – is not just about little girls that were buried alive but about all children over the ages, who have been abused and maltreated, and for which the abuser will be held accountable.

Learning from the Seerah

The Pre-Islamic Arabs did not have a culture of holding and loving their children. The Prophet (sa) taught them and the generations to come, how to show love and compassion to children. There are numerous instances throughout the Seerah from letting his grandsons play on his back, when he went into Sajdah during Salah, to shortening the Salah, when he heard a child crying in the congregational prayer, so that the mother could attend to him. These incidents even show how our Ibadah (worship) is interlinked with our mercy for His creation. We are all familiar with the Hadeeth: “Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to people.” (Bukhari) Yet, we fall short in practicing compassion, especially with the weak and vulnerable.

There is this beautiful incident in the Seerah. The Prophet (sa) knew a child named Abu Umayr, who had a pet bird named al-Nughayr. When the bird passed away, the Prophet (sa) took out time to pay him a visit, as he recognized the pain of a young heart for a beloved pet. He drew the child to himself and said: “Oh Abu Umayr, what is the matter with Nughayr?” In another narration, we find he took the boy’s hands and invited him to pray together.

This reflects his attunement to the child’s needs in a time of loss. He held him, validated his loss, taught him to connect with Allah (swt), and honoured the child with his presence and love in a moment of need. Notice how this single incident is a detailed lesson for us in child psychology.

Towards Nurturing, Abuse-free Environments and Reconnection

Change requires willingness and consistent effort. For an abuse-free environment conducive to healthy child development and family cohesion, try these strategies:

• Provide a secure, loving and nurturing environment. Children thrive when they grow up in safe, stable environments, where caregivers are attuned to their needs. Just like a single moment of abuse can harm the child, a single therapeutic moment can bring healing.
• Teach children how to self-regulate. To do this, parents must learn emotional self-regulation themselves. Children need your help to soothe them when they are upset and stimulate them when they lack motivation. Dr. Bruce Perry, an American child psychiatrist, makes an important observation: “A dysregulated adult will never regulate a dysregulated child, and a dysregulated adult will dysregulate a regulated child.”
• Model every virtue and behaviour you want to see in them. Children learn by osmosis, so show it – do not just tell them. Instead of relying on constant sermonizing and rebuking, set your own example for them to follow.
• Avoid micro-managing their life. Children need space to be able to play, explore and learn from their mistakes. Guide them but allow them healthy personal boundaries, so that they can learn to organize their inner world and develop a sense of agency.
• Encourage them to be curious about the world around them. Note that the asking of questions and room for disagreement has been a part of the Islamic tradition from the beginning. Questions that are asked respectfully for deeper learning should be encouraged, not punished.
• Take interest in who they are and are becoming. Listen, empathize and validate their feelings. Inquire about their day. Learn what makes them smile or cry. It is never too late to take small steps towards reconnection. We see in the examples of prophets and Saliheen that they had built rapport with their children. Yusuf (as) could share his dream with his father Yaqub (as) and Luqman could advise his son in such detail only because they were open to meaningful conversation.
• Involve your children in the real world and teach them how to make responsible decisions. Instill virtues and skills through real experiences, such as volunteer work, caring for a pet, or playing sports. The onus is on the parent, not the child, to break down the concept of good and bad into lessons at the child’s level of understanding and practice. In my counselling experience, many parents are unwilling to put in this effort and instead project their shortcoming on their children.

In order to bring positive visible shifts in our homes and society, we must realize how we are contributing to this culture of abuse. Only then will we be willing to change the abusive patters of interaction and able to build nurturing environments.