Despite an increased human rights awareness in recent times, domestic abuse continues to plague societies across the world. Domestic abuse is as relevant today, and as stark a reality, as it was thousands of years ago. Either spouse could resort to violence against their partner, but it is mostly the husbands, who are guilty of abuse. The Prophet (sa), on the other hand, instructed men to fear Allah (swt) in how they treat their wives. In fact, he described the best among men as the one who is best towards his wife. He said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Tirmidhi)
The Prophet (sa) outlawed the oppressive anti-women practices of the pre-Islamic Arabs, such as inheriting the wife of the deceased, and established the rights of women on a firm footing. When a man asked the Prophet (sa) about the rights of the wife, he replied: “Give her food when you take food, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.” (Abu Dawud) Although a verse of the Quran does permit men to ‘beat’ their wives under exceptional circumstances, this beating should not cause her pain and can only be symbolic – like hitting “with a folded handkerchief”, according to Ar-Razi, or “with a toothbrush, or some similar thing,” according to At-Tabari and other early scholars. That too should be done only when all means of dialogue and discipline have been exhausted and the wife insists on disobedience to Allah (swt).
Violent Temperament: The Sunnah of Avoiding Marriage to Such Person
As reported by Muslim, Aisha (rtaf) reveals that the Prophet (sa) never hit any woman – let alone one of his wives. In fact, the Prophet (sa) expressed disgust at the impudence of the man, who beats his wife, saying: “Could any of you beat his wife, as he would beat a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?” (Bukhari) It is critical that at the time of choosing a husband, traits such as gentleness, kindness, and chivalry are sought in a man. It could be that a man performs his Ibadat very well – praying on time, frequently fasting, and helping the needy – but treats women with harshness or indifference. Such a man is not likely to make a good husband, as proved by the following Hadeeth.
Fatimah bint Qais (rtaf) sought the advice of the Prophet (sa) regarding the marriage proposals she had received. One of the men who proposed to Fatimah (rtaf) was Abu Jahm (rtam), but the Prophet (sa) advised her not to marry him on the grounds that he was “very harsh with women”. (Muslim)
According to another version of this Hadeeth, the Prophet (sa) told Fatimah (rtaf): “As for Abu Jahm (rtam), he does not put down his staff from his shoulder,” and in a third version, the Prophet (sa) explicitly described Abu Jahm (rtam) as a “beater of women”. The Prophet (sa) advised Fatimah (rtaf) to marry Usama bin Zayd (rtam) instead.
Steps to Prevent Domestic Abuse
Dealing with domestic abuse, no doubt, requires courage. The following actions are recommended to help avoid this torment:
- A woman who suffers at the hands of her husband must make it clear to him that such treatment is not acceptable.
- She may also confide her situation to someone she trusts, who can talk to her husband and counsel him.
- If the husband does not repent, it may be best to arrange for formal arbitration, as prescribed by the Quran: “And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people.” (An-Nisa 4:35) The presence of two just and fair individuals, acting as arbitrators, could make the husband remorseful and resolve the issue. Giving the abusive husband a second chance might be worth it, if he vows to reform and makes visible effort towards it.
- At other times, however, a divorce is the best option for the woman to escape misery and violence, as proved by the following hadith.
Thabit bin Qays (rtam) once beat his wife Habibah bint Sahl (rtaf) quite badly and injured her. The next morning, Habibah (rtaf) went straight to the Prophet (sa), complaining about her husband, and declared: “I cannot live with Thabit bin Qais (rtam).” The Prophet (sa) summoned Thabit (rtam) and told him: “Here is Habibah bint Sahl (rtaf), and she said what Allah willed her to say.” Habibah (rtaf) then said: “O Messenger of Allah, all that he gave me is with me,” thereby offering to return her Mahr in exchange for divorce. The Prophet (sa) told Thabit: “Take a part of her property and separate yourself from her.” Thabit (rtam) asked: “Is that right, O Messenger of Allah?” The Prophet (sa) replied: “Yes.” Habibah (rtaf) then returned the two gardens Thabit had given her as Mahr, and the two of them were divorced. (Abu Dawud and Nasai)
This Hadeeth is a prime example of a woman standing up for herself against domestic violence. The Prophet (sa) not only acknowledged Habibah’s (rtaf) right to divorce, but also helped her attain it, despite her husband’s apparent reluctance. Moreover, the Prophet (sa) has clarified that the husband must not resort to violence or oppression, even when the wife is at fault. Laqit bin Sabirah (rtam) once complained to the Prophet (sa) about his wife being insolent towards him. The Prophet (sa) advised Laqit (rtam) to divorce her, but Laqit (rtam) was reluctant to do so, as they had children together. The Prophet (sa) replied: “Then ask her [to reform herself]. If there is something good in her, she will do so. And do not beat your wife, as you would beat your slave-girl.” (Abu Dawud)
In short, Islam seeks to eliminate domestic violence by prescribing the best treatment towards one’s wife and emphasizing the core values that should characterize a marital relationship. As Allah (swt) says in the Quran: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Ar-Room 30:21) If the husband is abusive, however, Islam empowers the woman to take practical steps to end her suffering, instead of surrendering to cultural norms or fearing the social consequences of a divorce. Tolerating abuse is undesirable not just due to the immense pain it causes, but also because it can trigger feelings of ingratitude to Allah (swt) and indifference to His blessings. Allah (swt) knows best.
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