The ones we love most also cause us the most pain. They frustrate us, disappoint us, and sometimes even shock us beyond words. But does that mean that we break away and abandon them? No. Relationships are not a theme park ride that we stay on until they excite us and from which we hop off when they get boring, predictable, or painful.
Relationships are very much a living thing. They can be turned around when strained and bitter. They need daily care and nurturing. Otherwise, they can dull or die. And those who consistently, lovingly, and patiently tend to it are always rewarded with a delectable fruit in time. The key is to do the right thing, wait and watch with trust in Allah (swt), and belief in yourself.
Ironically, in the age of technology and information explosion, we need to realize that some things still cannot be fixed by machines and mechanisms. They will require a heart, a soul, and firm resolve to improve lives and the world around them. Relationships are one of them.
The Five Dimensions of Relationships
- With the Creator
“And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam – from their loins – their descendants and made them testify of themselves [saying to them]: Am I not your Lord? They said: Yes, we have testified. [This] – lest you should say on the Day of Resurrection: Indeed, we were of this unaware.” (Al-Araf 7:172)
Simply put, our journey began from Allah (swt) and will end with Allah (swt), the Ever-Living. This is our very first relationship, which is special unlike any other. He is our Rabb (Master, Provider, Owner, Protector, Guide, Forgiver, Caregiver, etc.) and we are His slaves. Our mission in this world is to recognize Him, worship Him, obey Him, and love Him.
Anyone who has been granted the Taufeeq to develop this divine connection has never failed in any other relationships. This is because such people understand that this world is imperfect and so are the people living in it. It is temporary and so are the trials in it. Whenever a Momin experiences joy and success, he runs to Allah (swt); and when he faces failure and tribulations, he still runs to Allah (swt). In both cases, he finds peace, contentment, determination, and direction to go forward and do the right thing.
This relationship with the Lord can only be paved through the clear and correct understanding of Allah’s (swt) Divine Book, the Quran, through which Allah (swt) speaks to us. Ask yourself, how clear are you about its reality and how deeply has it shaped your belief in Him?
A Momin is very alert and sensitive to his surroundings. He draws all his commandments for the worldly life from the Quran and the Sunnah only. Prevailing trends and changing standards do not influence him, because he understands that public opinions and benchmarks are fickle.
Taqwa (consciousness of Allah [swt]) is his fuel. A Momin realizes that Allah (swt) is watching him; hence, he guards himself against disobedience and sins. His next aim is to become a Mohsin – a believer who honours Allah’s (swt) watch over him by performing with excellence. This attitude of Ihsan ensures that the believer never usurps anyone else’s rights, always takes ownership of his actions, and doesn’t act like a martyr, since he practices Sabr and Shukr in the face of trials.
- With Our Own Selves
“And [by] the soul and He Who proportioned it and inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness.” (Ash Shams 91:7-8)
Relationship with self means to know oneself and to understand your true internal situation which only Allah (swt) can see. You keep your conduct in check and do a daily self-assessment of your own thoughts and behaviour. You take full responsibility of yourself. You do not depend on machines in solitude to kill time. Instead, you are completely at peace to be alone and enjoy your own company, when there is no external entertainment or communication by others.
Our predecessors, such as Imam Ghazali and others, considered relationship with self as significant, because people who are self-aware are an asset to the society. Their greatest ability lies in fixing their inside weather when life throws stormy challenges at them. All they need is some quiet time with themselves to pause and reflect upon what went wrong, to ascertain if they have a role in it, how can they fix it, and if not possible, then how can they move ahead with determination and no blame.
This self-awareness has been described by terms like ‘Khud Agahi’, ‘Khud Shanasi’ and ‘Marifat-e-Nafs’. Since a person has toiled hard to maintain a noble relationship with Allah (swt), which was his very first relationship after coming into existence, he is also better at understanding his own self.
On the reverse side, someone who does not have a correct understanding of himself is like the sheep in a flock. Their life is controlled by others. This is a very fatal position to be in, because the global culture today is rooted in polytheism and disbelief, which stands in direct contradiction to Islam. And most dangerously, it leads to self-destruction and deception, under the pretense of glamorous and well-meaning labels.
- With Our Immediate Family
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is people and stones…” (At-Tahrim 66:6)
This mainly includes our parents, spouses, and children.
- Parents
Towards parents, there is a non-negotiable and unconditional command to respect, offer our mercy, and be humble before them. We do not train our parents. If we catch them doing something wrong, which can affect their status in Akhirah, we lovingly and patiently talk to them and not lecture them. Sometimes they might not agree or understand – in such cases, we make Dua for them and practice Sabr with good Akhlaq.
Yelling at them, forsaking them for other relations, backbiting about them, humiliating them in public, and not caring about their emotions and needs can land us in a very horrendous position in the world. The punishment of disobedience to parents starts in the world as a small torment from Allah (swt) and can lead to the greatest degrees after we die. According to Edris Khamissa, they are our Jannah and we are their Jannah.
- Spouses
With spouses, who have been termed as our Libas, it is a long haul, and we have to be practical and constantly accommodating. What does that mean? It simply means that we treat them as our partners in life with utmost mercy and forgiveness. Sometimes they will please us and at other times they will disappoint us. Likewise, sometimes we will be a source of pleasure for them, while at other times we might disgust them due to our behaviour.
The starting point of the relationship with one’s spouse is to try and understand the reason behind their certain choices and behaviours. Relationships break when we are adamant to make others understand our viewpoint without listening to theirs. If we are initially patient, then in every relationship there comes a time when we can also teach the other party because the bond is strong and intact. This also needs careful choice of time, place, words, body language, and gestures.
- Children
“And they who are to their trusts and their promises attentive.” (Al-Muminun 23:8)
Children are an Amanah (trust). Every trust needs to be looked after and returned to the real Owner (Allah [swt]) intact. However, as parents, we seldom remember this covenant with our Creator and ruin the lives of our own kids either through neglect or over-pampering, over-religiosity or a non-existing relationship with the Quran and the Sunnah. In other words, parents tend to assume extreme positions.
The charter of children’s recognition demands unconditional respect in private and public. What it means is that, firstly, we try to understand them and, next, we trust them. We should not have false expectations of them. We should listen to them, without losing control, and refrain from judging them. We should acknowledge their feelings, without negating their emotions, and repeat in our own words what we have understood regarding their feelings (even negative ones), so there is no communication gap. Once the storm calms down, talk to your child.
Generally, parents with raging anger and temper tantrums breed kids with similar traits. Their kids never learn conflict resolution, because they have never seen any model at home for solving problems with sanity and composure, which is the Sunnah way.
- With Other People
These could be your friends, acquaintances or complete strangers. They may be online or offline. They could be your bosom pals, colleagues, competitors, people you admire, or others who admire you.
Interestingly, the principles of public conduct with others in Islam are very simple, straight, and the same all across. We treat others with respect, truthfulness, and in a non-judgmental manner. They are not to be our partners in crime and sin. They should be people who draw us close to Allah (swt) and our families, rather than away from both. If they are leading us to disobedience of Allah (swt), flee from them as if you are on fire. Yes, it may even mean quitting a job, abandoning a friend, or leaving a college, city or country. Toxic people can destroy lives; hence, their companionship must not be sought.
People who share our lives due to common jobs, educational pursuits, or similar goals are not to be taken as intimate friends. A certain element of distance and privacy must remain between us. It means we will not share our personal likes and problems with them. We will not open our homes to them, as we do to our families and relatives. Why? Just because someone goes to school with me, plays golf with me, or works out with me does not mean that he also has the same set of values as I have.
Similarly, we must draw a line also with close friendships. We never share our sinful past or present or secrets with intimate friends. The confessions need to be made only before Allah (swt) for the sake of repentance and a renewed life. If tomorrow this dear friend turns your foe, he can use your secrets against you, breach your trust, and inflict severe damage.
Online relationships are a mess today. Girls befriend strange boys in pursuit of romance and happiness. Next, they fall into sin and lastly either commit suicide or get blackmailed for their misadventures. A sin is a sin, whether committed online or offline. Your best listener in times of trials, depression and stress is Allah (swt). Pray to Him for relief and guidance. Do not fall into the trap of numerous online pseudo counsellors, who are advising freely and ignorantly.
Another self-destructive idea is to fit in. Many people take drugs or fall for pornography, sins and crimes just because they want to fit in. They wish to belong to the group of people whom they see as the most important in their life. Believe it or not, you are better off being alone and bored by yourself, than being in the company of those who themselves are lost but claim to guide you.
- With the Nature
Pakistan is blessed with varied land terrains: ocean, beaches, mountains, hills, rivers, lakes, deserts, plains, and valleys. Allah (swt) has literally handpicked this country for us, offering every variety of pleasing sight one can behold and experience.
One of the most effective means of recognizing Allah (swt) as our Creator is through His fabulous creation. The Quran offers beautiful parables using nature, especially rainfall and vegetation, to explain the concepts of life. Islam is the only religion on the face of this earth that boldly and beautifully talks about science to present the evidence of the Creator.
Urbanization may have offered us comfort and speed in life, but there is also a downside to it. It has distracted us from nature and enticed us into living in artificially created environments. An air-conditioned gym with blaring music has replaced workouts and jogs in parks or fields.
Allah (swt) has placed a certain power in nature that can heal, uplift, and repair us, which artificial ambiances cannot. Those who stay close to nature avail this opportunity, which is a great stress reliever, joy generator, and memory builder.
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