Career or Kids? Every Mom’s Dilemma

career or kids

Is there a way out? There always is. Mary Pipher in her bestseller, “The Shelter of Each Other”, shared the story of a couple caught up in a hectic lifestyle. Both husband and wife worked long hours to meet their financial needs. They realized that they hardly had time for personal interests, each other, or their three-year-old twins. They were guilty as sin to know that the daycare providers had seen their children walk the first steps and heard their first sounds. They were now reporting behavioural problems in the twins. The couple had essentially fallen out of love, as they were operating as machines run on a schedule.

The wife felt even more anguished for her unfulfilled desire to help her mother, who had cancer. But what was she to do? She couldn’t make time for herself due to her demanding career. They seemed trapped in what appeared to be an impossible situation.

They headed for counselling and set their mind to fix the problem. They made some vital changes to their family life, which created dramatic differences. The husband talked to his employers that he would no longer be able to work on Saturdays. The wife eventually quit her job to stay home with the boys. They invited the wife’s mother to move in with them, pooling their resources. Now, the children had the loving company of their grandmother, and the grandmother was cared for by her own daughter.

But this togetherness didn’t come by a wave of a magic wand. They all agreed to make personal sacrifices, realizing what they were giving up was lesser in value than what they would eventually gain. They cut back in many areas – stopped eating out and quit buying things except for essentials. The husband carpooled to work. The wife didn’t behave like a victim of circumstances, who was forced to surrender her career.

This family understood clearly that either they could have more time with each other or more money – not both. They chose time over money. This choice made a profound difference in the quality of their personal and family life. They were happier, more fulfilled, less stressful, less guilty and more in love.

The point is that there is always an option. You may simplify your lifestyle, consider cutting back, changing jobs, shifting from full-time to part-time work, work closer to home to cut commuting time, create a virtual office in your home, etc. But you need to be honest with yourself, first and foremost. Why exactly do I work? Is it really a financial need or is it that I enjoy the independence? Does it help me earn a more sound reputation in society and family or does it fulfill my craving to pursue my career? Only if you look yourself honestly in the eye and understand the deep reason for your work motives will you be able to prioritize. What weighs more for me: my family or my career?

Steven Covey said: “The bottom line is that there is no need to be held hostage by these lies, if family is really your top priority. And making the family priority will push you into creative exploration of possible alternatives.”

In order to prioritize our values in life we need to understand that parenthood is a unique role. It is about nurturing the potential of a special human being entrusted to our care. There is no substitute for the relationship between a child and a parent. When mothers wish to head for the career world, anyone with a positive attitude and caring disposition appears to them as their substitute for their kid. However, competence and character are a difficult combination to find in caretakers. Urie Bronfenbrenner, a child development expert, puts it aptly: “You can’t pay someone to do for a child what a parent will do for free.”

A working mother should also know that if she doesn’t have time to teach her children, society will. And all will have to live with the results. It is said that when the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles. If only we study the changes that have occurred in the four dimensions of society – popular culture, laws, economy and technology – over the past fifty years or so, our findings will put everything into perspective. Following is a brief analysis:

Popular culture

Un-monitored children spend most of their time today either eating or watching TV. They have increasing access to videos, music, movies; hence, they view pornography, illicit sex and violence. Working moms have to beat the clock, so the tone at home is not relaxed, and family members seldom get any meaningful time to bond or share.

 

Hochschild writes: “In this new model of family-and-work life, a tired parent flees a world of unresolved quarrels and unwashed laundry for the reliable orderliness, harmony and managed cheer of work.” At work, a mother receives affirmation, prestige, instant results and compensation. If she decides to stay home, she will be making a pro-active choice that can only come from the heart and results will appear in many years, Insha’Allah.

Laws

Popular culture has impacted the political will and resulting laws, too. Once, the institution of marriage was held as a vow of two individuals not only to each other but to the society as well. Today, marriage is no longer a covenant or a commitment. It simply is a contract between two consenting adults. If this contract is found to be inconvenient, unnecessary or an obstacle in one’s road to desires, it can be annulled without considering the family at all.

This depreciation of the sanctity and solemnity of marriage has unleashed an epidemic of divorce, child neglect, community ruin and loneliness. And the present day laws do very little to prevent this disaster. In fact, feminist movements and others fan the disintegration more. Deviations from Deen and sheer ignorance think it right for couples to divorce each other.

Economy

Cost of the average home has increased, inflation has spiraled, and dream life-styles have emerged. Consequently, homes have nuclear families of parents and children. Intergenerational and extended families are viewed as a source of interference.

Since economic responsibility has been reducing from intergenerational to just nuclear families, it has given rise to a culture of freedom and independence. Escape from responsibility and accountability is available everywhere. Families and individuals are increasingly becoming isolated.

Technology

Steven Covey observes: “Changes in technology have accelerated the impact of changes in every other dimension. It provides unfiltered access to highly impactful visual images, supports saturated advertisement, puts us into materialistic overload, causes a revolution in expectations.” Mass media literally drives the culture in your home.

Having said that, a child, whose mother stays at home and resents it, is worse off than if she goes to work. The benefit comes only if the mother understands completely that she is fulfilling a sacred stewardship in life by rearing her children. Nothing on the list of values outweighs her role as a nation builder, and Paradise can be hers just by being a loving and responsible parent. Otherwise, she might just hear herself scream and whine before her children, making them guilty of being a hurdle in the happiness of their mother’s life. Her children would soon start wishing that she goes to work, so that there is peace at home.

It is a great tragedy for a woman to not realize that if today she neglects her professional, developmental and social interests, they can still be pursued tomorrow. However, if she does not invest herself in her kids at their young age, she herself will eventually be the one to reap the whirlwind. As John Greenleaf Whittier wrote: “For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’” Will this regretful mother be able to turn back the clock?

The Battle of Moms

Vol 2 -Issue 3 Battle of Moms

“Oh! You work full time?”

“Yes, I am a project manager for the Children’s Memorial Hospital.”

“You are missing out on your child’s most precious moments: his first step, his first words…”

“Actually, when I hear them, they are the first for me, I am not missing out. By working, I am providing better economic conditions for him.”

“That is just an excuse; you can cut down on luxuries to spend time with your child.”

This is a typical tug of war conversation between a working mom and a non-working mom (in the traditional sense, because I think that the term ‘non-working mom’ is an oxymoron). At the impending birth of my son, I suffered through countless hours of back and forth debate, whether I should quit my job or not. Eventually, I decided that my working would provide more opportunities for Bilal, my son, in the increasingly competitive world. Now, facing the birth of my second child, I am a work-from-home mom. This change of circumstances led me to analyze, which mother is better.

Basically, moms can be categorized into five groups:

  1. Working moms due to necessity;
  2. Working moms due to boredom or a feeling of inadequacy for letting go of their high profile careers;
  3. Work-from-home moms who, utilizing technology, work from their homes, and take care of their children 24/7 as well;
  4. Stay-at-home moms, who believe that they are the only ones able to provide the best care for their children and;
  5. Stay-at-home moms, with busy social lives, they hire nannies to take care of their children.

Most working moms (WM) feel that stay-at-home moms (SHM) are dull – they cannot cut it out in the big, bad corporate world and spend most of their time in beauty parlors and gyms. Conversely, most (SHM) moms feel that (WM) are robbing their children – they give their best to the workplace and have no time left for being good mothers.

The Quran (Luqman 31:14) instructs children to be good to their parents. There is also a Hadeeth in Sahih Al-Bukhari, where Abu Hurairah (rta) narrates: “A man came to the Prophet (sa) and said: ‘O Prophet! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?’ The Prophet (sa) said: ‘Your mother.’ The man said: ‘Who is next?’ The Prophet (sa) said: ‘Your mother.’ The man further said: ‘Who is next?’ The Prophet (sa) said: ‘Your mother.’ The man asked for the fourth time: ‘Who is next?’ The Prophet (sa) said: ‘Your father.'”

The logical deduction would be that a mother sacrifices much more for her child. What does ‘sacrifice’ entail? Does it mean spending 24/7 with your children, even though all you do is scream at them? Or does it mean spending quality time with them? How are we to decide? According to Heidi Murkoff, author of children’s guides, the answer is simple – the real parenting expert is YOU. Only you can decide, what is best for your child.

Ralph Gardner (New York Metro.com) writes: “Motherhood, for all its joys, has become a flash point for envy, resentment, and guilt. ‘Everybody struggles, and everybody envies what the other has,’ says the (SHM) of a 9- and a 14-year-old. ‘The (WM) wishes she had more free time to be available to her child, and may be have a coffee after the drop-off. And the (SHM) would maybe like to have something that’s a reflection of her as an individual – a label that says she’s a capable, creative person, who knows about more than just baby formula or after-school programs.'”

Keeping this in mind, every mom should understand that her counterpart (WM or SHM) is making the best of a situation not completely in her control. For example, if one mother quits her job, her family cannot survive, as her paycheck pays the school fees and food bills. What about a (SHM), whose husband is an ambassador, she has hired a nanny to take care of her four-year-old, because she has to plan special events and elaborate dinners, a must for her husband’s career. Should she hire a special events coordinator and spend time with her child instead? The real question is – what do you do, when you spend time with your children? Do you read to them, talk, and listen to them? Or do you just yell at them, your favorite word being ‘no’? Before you go pointing fingers at others, be sure you are giving your 110% to your children.

As kids grow up, they look to their parents as role models. I loved to tell my friends and teachers that my mom was a physician – I got envious looks. But, truth be told, I envied my friend’s life – her mom was at home, when she came from school. She had hot chocolate-chip cookies for breakfast, and her mom was always around to listen to her. She told me she would have loved to afford swimming and ice-skating lessons and to have her mom show her, how all the hospital equipment works. Most of all, she would have loved the prestige of having a mom that people respect! I guess there are pros and cons to everything; it is how you face them that make the experience positive.

Every mom needs her personal time. The (WM) gets it at work – the achievement that she is a viable human being. The (SHM) usually volunteers at charity events, helps at school, and thus makes a difference in the community. The new work from home mom (WHM), a creation of the Information Superhighway, I think has it all. She is empowered, she calls the shots, how much work she does and when she does it; quality time for family as well. We should learn to appreciate each other’s qualities. Those of us blessed with being able to spend more time with our kids – let’s cherish this opportunity, instead of wasting it on useless criticism.