Allah (swt) says about marriage: “Waja Allah Baina Kum Ma Wadatan Wa Rehma.”You will find these beautiful words of the Quran applicable in all of your married lives. Allah (swt) says He put between you – between husband and wife – love, Mawadah, and it is passionate love. Allah (swt) says Mawadah Wa Rehma – love and mercy, because in the beginning of your marriage, you are very passionate and obsessed with your wife. You cannot think about anything else. When your friends call you, they go straight to voice mail, because you just got married and for about six months you are out of sight. But then, as marriage goes further, what is it that keeps it alive? Rehma – It’s the mercy towards your wife, mercy towards your husband, courtesy between you two.
A man comes to Umar (rtam) and says that he wants to divorce his wife. Umar (rtam) asks: “Why do you want to divorce your wife?” The man says: “I don’t love her anymore and I don’t find her attractive anymore.” So Umar (rtam) asked him: “Faina Raiaya?” What about the courtesy you owe to your wife?
Doesn’t she take care of your kids? Hasn’t she put up with you all this time? We, men, are very difficult creatures to put up with, and our wives put up with us, even if we say a couple of words here and there. In the end, they still put up with us. Right? Since they do quite a bit for us, we cannot just say: “Oh well, she doesn’t look like what I was imagining, when I didn’t lower my gaze and saw some things on TV. She doesn’t meet my expectations.” This is not a healthy attitude. If the believers watch their gaze, control their temptations and then they do the best with their wives, they will be the most satisfied and won’t have any temptations outside.
However, at the same time, sisters have to understand that Allah (swt) created men and women very differently. No matter from what background they come, for men, their biggest weakness is the same – women. In majority of cases, Allah (swt) has made women oblivious to this weakness of men, so they do not realize how bad it is. So when women read the Ayah about lowering their gaze, they say: “Oh yeah, I can do that. What’s the big deal? Why can’t men just lower their gaze?” They don’t understand the power of this desire that Allah (swt) put inside of us. The number one Fitna the Prophet (sa) fears for the men of this Ummah is what? Women, because it is a serious problem. So, if the wives understand that, then instead of condemning their husband, they would understand that the wife has a role of supporting her husband, and she can do that by warding temptations off from him, not by lecturing him.
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