Do I Really Love My Baby?

Vol 5 - Issue 2 The flip side of MotherhoodThe love I developed for my baby during the nine months of pregnancy quickly vanished over the long duration of sleepless nights that followed his birth.

I didn’t notice it at first, but it was becoming obvious that this is too much to handle. I was overwhelmed, scared, paranoid and crying over every little thing.

I’ve always looked at babies as innocent, harmless creatures just hanging around, crying when hungry, sleepy or wet. The truth about babies dawned on me, after I took up the mommy duty. The truth about babies became scarier, when I couldn’t differentiate between my son’s hunger and colic cues.

Helpless, anxious and frustrated, I was afraid I’m hurting my baby. I couldn’t figure out why he’s crying. I couldn’t understand, why the women were bombarding me with questions and observations such as “He’s still hungry. Didn’t you feed him?” “You don’t know how to nurse him.” “If you don’t have enough milk, give him a bottle, he’s not taking the bottle, is he gassy, or is he sleepy?” “His diaper is full, when did you change him last?” I’m asking myself these same questions, I don’t know myself. So please just stop.

I was restless inside. I couldn’t sleep due to the fear that he might wake up soon and disturb my slumber anyway. I wanted to scream. I did many times. I pulled my hair, smacked my head and cried a lot. “I just want to sleep! Please, I just want to sleep!” I fought with my husband. I fought about everything existent and non-existent.

I told them I might be suffering from post-partum blues. Nobody believed me. It sounded too dramatic and “western”. I knew my hormonal fussiness reduced after twelve days. But I was still hormonal and crazy, just not as much as the first two weeks after delivery.

In this chaos, I had begun to un-love my son. Yes, I changed him, rocked him to sleep, nursed him and walked with him – did everything else I had to do. But, unfortunately, I couldn’t love him… I tried to find the emotion within myself, I really did.

It was like being in a perfect relationship for nine months and then going through a rough breakup. I wanted to patch things up, but I couldn’t forgive him for the sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion. Don’t even ask me, what went through my head regarding my husband and everyone else at home.

In this chaos, I had begun to un-love my son. Yes, I changed him, rocked him to sleep, nursed him and walked with him – did everything else I had to do. But, unfortunately, I couldn’t love him…

I seriously considered packing my bags and leaving with my son. I don’t need anyone! I can do this on my own, without people accusing me of having insufficient milk and lacking diaper changing skills.

But I stayed. I’m glad I did now. It’s been seven months and those sleepless nights seem so far away. But I shudder every time I think of it. He still wakes up during the night, but its okay, because he falls asleep quickly. These nights are better than the ones at the start. I get his cues now. I know what he likes and dislikes. I know what to do most of the time.

Sometimes I catch him looking at me, simply staring at my face. And then he smiles. It’s like he’s checking, if I’m still there and then telling me how much he loves me, too.

I enjoy preparing his food, even on days when I’m totally not in the mood. But I push myself to do it, because I want him to eat healthy, homemade baby food. I don’t want to give in to the packed foods. I know it’s easy, and I’m sure it’s not harmful. But I still can’t get around to introducing foods to my child that were cooked and packed months ago.

He’s the first one; you always do it for the first child, people tell me. Oh really? Are you telling me that you love your first kid more than the others? Okay fine, love is debatable, but the concern regarding their health and diet would always be crucial, wouldn’t it? At least for me it is and would stay the same. My mom had four kids; she fed us all homemade food. She didn’t cook up special pureed meals just for me, because I’m the first child, and then relaxed with my three pesky brothers, who came along later. So, please, don’t tell me about the first kid thing, because it’s not true.

I’m hygiene crazy; I wash his toys, rinse his bowl and spoon with boiled water before putting in food. I clip his nails, oil his hair and moisturize his skin after baths and before bed. We have a routine now, and most of the time it works. I have time to shower now, use the loo and even brush my hair! I also have time for naps, workout and meals.

This too shall pass is what I kept reading online during my mental frenzy. And, Alhamdulillah, I’m so grateful to Allah (swt) that I’ve made it this far. I know there’s more to the package. Teething is around the corner. Then there’s the constant fear that my son will put something harmful in his mouth, nose or ear. He might fall and bump his head, if he tries sitting up, when I’m not looking. I fear my niece might trip on him, sneeze, cough or maybe sit on him like she’s almost done thrice already. I’m afraid she’ll want to share her snacks of sliced cheese with him or maybe her gummy bears or chips!

I’m always afraid. But then I calm myself down. In my heart, I say a little prayer. I ask Allah (swt) to look out for my son, when I’m not looking or when I’m unaware of things that can potentially harm him. I remind myself that I can’t prevent accidents that are meant to be. Like the time he rolled with his walker outside the kitchen door and down onto the garage floor. The incident unravelled within seconds. There were three people around, yet nobody noticed he was speeding out the door. I was there too. This was last week. The scene is fresh in my mind, and it will always be.

I’m always afraid. But then I calm myself down. In my heart, I say a little prayer. I ask Allah (swt) to look out for my son

So am I finally in love with Abdullah? Is this constant concern evidence of my love for him? Or is it just a fear? Is it both? I think it’s both. You are always afraid for the one you love to be harmed. It was easy to love him, when he was inside the safe, protected home in my womb. But now there are all these external things to worry about.

Like, will he be a loser at school? Will the other kids like him? Will he study well? Am I feeding him well, am I not feeding him enough? Will he love me, will he disrespect me?Will he pray, will he willingly read and love the Quran? Will he hold his dad’s hand and walk to the Masjid for Salah? And then I say a little prayer inside. A prayer my Dad taught me, when I first told him I’m expecting. A prayer he prayed for all his children before and after their births. Ya Allah (swt) make my child healthy, wise and beautiful. (Sehatmand, Hakeem aur Khoobsurat in Urdu)

May Allah (swt) guide my son, my husband, me and the rest of the family onto the Straight Path. May Allah (swt) guide you and your families, too. May Allah (swt) bless us all. Ameen

Till next time, happy parenting!

Taharah – Half of Faith

Clean water and water bubbles

By Hafsa Ahsan and Naba Basar                                                             

We live in a world which gives us mixed messages regarding cleanliness (Taharah). On the one hand, Islam lays great emphasis on cleanliness and encourages oneself to stay clean at all times. On the other hand, the mass media encourages our children to get as dirty as they want. Washing one’s hands is recommended only when selling a certain brand of antiseptic soap. So, what guidance do we derive from the Quran and Sunnah regarding Taharah?

Importance of Taharah

Taharah has been greatly emphasized upon by Allah (swt) in the Quran.

“Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their prayers, etc.).” (Al-Baqarah 2:222)

Types of Impurities

Allah (swt) says: “O you who believe! Approach not Salah (the prayer) when you are in a drunken state until you know (the meaning) of what you utter, nor when you are in a state of Janabah, (i.e. in a state of sexual impurity and have not yet taken a bath) except when travelling on the road (without enough water, or just passing through a mosque), till you wash your whole body.” (An-Nisa 4:43)

Impurity may be categorized as ritual impurity (Hadath) and physical impurity (Khabath). A person attains ritual impurity when something comes out of the anus (feces or wind) or the frontal private area (urine or prostatic fluid), or when a person vomits. If a person enters this state, he must abstain from prayers, until he departs from this state. Wudhu would be enough for purification.

Physical impurity, on the other hand, is the impurity of physical substances, which include menstrual blood, urine, feces, pork, canine saliva and vomit. These impurities must be removed from whatever they contaminate (such as the person’s skin, clothing or prayer rug); otherwise, the prayer will not be valid. If you come in contact with any of these impurities, then they must be washed, since it’s a matter of basic cleanliness.

Significantly, if an impurity is invisible or does not smell, it does not affect a person’s worship. Such trivial amounts are unavoidable and are forgiven under Islamic law.


Taharah must precede Salah. One has to be in a state of purity, plus one’s clothes and the place where Salah will be offered, must be clean as well. Wudhu is an essential pre-requisite of Salah, without which one’s Salah is not accepted. The procedure of Wudhu has been described in the Quran as follows:

“O you who believe! When you intend to offer Salah (the prayer), wash your faces and your hands (forearms) up to the elbows, rub (by passing wet hands over) your heads, and (wash) your feet up to ankles. If you are in a state of Janaba (i.e. had a sexual discharge), purify yourself (bathe your whole body). But if you are ill or on a journey or any of you comes from answering the call of nature, or you have been in contact with women (i.e. sexual intercourse) and you find no water, then perform Tayammum with clean earth and rub therewith your faces and hands. Allah does not want to place you in difficulty, but He wants to purify you, and to complete His favour on you that you may be thankful.” (Al-Maidah 5:6)

Humran (the freed slave of Uthman Ibn Affan (rta)) narrated: I saw Uthman Ibn Affan (rta)asking (for a tumbler of water) to perform ablution (and when it was brought) he poured water from it over his hands and washed them thrice and then put his right hand in the water container and rinsed his mouth and washed his nose by putting water in it and then blowing it out. Then he washed his face thrice and (then) forearms up to the elbows thrice, then passed his wet hands over his head and then washed each foot thrice. After that Uthman (rta) said, “I saw the Prophet performing ablution like this of mine, and he said, ‘If anyone performs ablution like that of mine and offers a two-Rakah prayer, during which he does not think of anything else, then his past sins will be forgiven.’ (Bukhari)

The Fard (obligatory) actions of Wudhu are:

1)        washing the face,

2)        washing both arms, including the elbows;,

3)        performing Masah of one fourth of the head,

4)        washing both the feet, including the ankles.

It’s not sufficient to pass a wet hand over the feet or shoes. However, certain conditions make an allowance for Masah to be done over certain types of socks.

Wudhu has a great psychological impact on the one performing it. If performed properly, it not only washes away one’s sins, but also cools down parts of the body. Dr. Ghulam Mustafa Khan in his booklet “Personal Hygiene in Islam” states: “The psychological advantages derived from performing Wudhu are clearly evident in the Prophet’s (sa) advice to perform Wudhu when we are overpowered by anger. The psychological changes, brought about by the physical act (of Wudhu), may be compared to a cold sponging of the body to reduce convulsions due to high temperature. In addition to the physical removal of a person from the arena of arguments, all parts of the body instrumental in the expression of anger – the hands, tongue, eyes and teeth – are cooled down and so are the brain centres controlling these parts.”


If water is not available, then Tayammum is one of the options to be availed. Allah (swt) says: “…And if you are ill, or on a journey, or one of you comes after answering the call of nature, or you have been in contact with women (by sexual relations) and you find no water, perform Tayammum with clean earth and rub therewith your faces and hands (Tayammum). Truly, Allah is Ever Oft­ Pardoning, Oft ­Forgiving.” (An-Nisa 4:43)

Tayammum (dry ablution) can be done as follows:

1)      Make the Niyyah (intention) to perform ablution.

2)      Strike the soil/earth with your hands and wipe your face.

3)      Then, wipe your hands up to the wrists. Wipe the right hand first, followed by the left.

In Fiqh-us-Sunnah, the following scenarios have been detailed, which make Tayammum inevitable:

1)      Total non-availability of water.

2)      The amount of water available is insufficient for ablution.

3)      One is ill or injured and cannot use water.

4)      The water is too cold to be used.

5)      It is dangerous to fetch water from a nearby source.

6)      Water has to be saved for things like cooking.

7)      Water is too far away to fetch in time for prayer.


A Ghusl must be performed after completing the monthly period, after ejaculation, after post natal bleeding (Nifas) or after sexual intercourse. It is preferable, but not compulsory, to perform Ghusl in the manner that the Prophet (sa) performed it.

In such cases, you should begin with washing your private parts. The intention is to make sure that pure water reaches every part of your body. However, if you pass wind during the cleansing procedure your Ghusl is still valid, but you will have to perform a separate Wudhu. The Prophet (sa) said: “Do not break off from your prayer, unless you hear or smell the passage of gas.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Ghusl is not compulsory in case of medical/vaginal check-up or ultrasound.


Ghusl after sexual intercourse is obligatory, even if no discharge took place. Noticing wetness on waking up as a result of Ihtilaam (wet dream) necessitates a Ghusl. However, if upon waking from a wet dream, a person does not see any trace of sexual emission on his clothes or his body, he does not have to perform Ghusl.

Aisha (rta) said: “Someone asked the Prophet (sa) about a man seeing himself discharging in his dream though he does not feel wet. The Prophet (sa) said: ‘He does not have to bathe.’ Umm Salamah (rta) asked: ‘What about women, O Messenger of Allah?’ He (sa) said: ‘Women are the full sisters of men.’” (Abu Dawood and At-Tirmidhi)

In another Hadeeth, the Prophet (sa) confirmed that a woman had to perform Ghusl: “… if she sees the liquid.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Some people came to the Prophet (sa) and asked him about Ghusl after sexual intercourse. They told him that they live in a cold place. The Prophet (sa) told them: “It would be enough for the one of you to pour water over his head three times.” In another narration, he said: “For me, I pour water over my head thrice.” (Muslim) This indicates that performing Ghusl accordingly is sufficient to attain purification and no Wudhu is required. But one should bear in mind that rinsing the mouth and cleaning the nose by inhaling and exhaling water is essential.

Sunnah method of performing Ghusl-e-Janabah, as extracted from Bukhari and Muslim, is as follows:

  • Wash hands. With right hand, pour water on left.
  • Wash private parts.
  • Do Wudhu.
  • Wet scalp with fingers (run fingers through hair, so as to wet scalp).
  • Pour three handfuls of water on head.
  • Wash whole body (with or without soap), beginning with the right side and then the left.
  • Wash feet in the end.

It is Sunnah to perform Wudhu before bathing.

It was related by the mother of believers, Umm Salamah (rta), that she asked the Prophet (sa) about a woman’s Ghusl. The Prophet (sa) told her: “If a woman is performing Ghusl after having sexual intercourse, then there is no need for her to unbraid her hair. It is sufficient that she pours water over her head three times. But, when she is performing Ghusl after completing her menstrual period, then she has to unbraid her hair.” (Muslim)

Vaginal Discharge (Fatwah by Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qasim)

Any discharge which comes from the vagina, emanating from the birth canal, is pure. It requires neither a ritual bath, nor Wudhu, nor the washing of affected clothing. The reason for this is the absence of any textual evidence that indicates the impurity of this discharge or that it invalidates a woman’s Wudhu.

This is very pertinent, especially since this discharge is something that affects all women, from the time of the Prophet (sa) to date. If it had been impure or if it had nullified Wudhu, this would have been clarified by the Lawgiver.

Also, this discharge is not a waste product – like urine and feces, which are the waste products of our food and drink. It is a natural emanation from the womb. This is why it increases with pregnancy, especially during certain months.

Umm Atiyyah (rta) said: “We did not regard yellowish and brownish discharge after Tuhr (becoming pure) as being of any significance.” (Bukhari and Abu Dawood)

General Hygiene

Taharah is not restricted just to Wudhu and Ghusl, as one may believe. A Mumin must strive to attain Taharah in all parts of life. Some basic practices include the following:

1)      Shaving the pubic hair.

2)      Cutting the nails of fingers and toes.

3)      Doing Ghusl, especially on Fridays.

4)      Washing hands, cleaning the nose and rinsing the mouth, after waking up.

5)      Washing hands, before and after every meal.

6)      Cleaning the teeth and rinsing the mouth, after every meal.

7)      Regularly using Miswak.

8)      Washing hands regularly with soap and water.


As one can imagine, Taharah or cleanliness in Islam is not to be taken lightly. All the instructions, which come to us from the Quran and Sunnah, clearly show that Taharah is something that every Mumin has to implement in one’s life consciously. It is the level of importance attached to it that makes it half of one’s Deen.

Is Dirt Good?

Jul 10 - Is dirt good

‘Dirt is good’ is a popular slogan of a well-known brand these days. How bad the impact is on young minds is not a cause of concern to the television channels. The media is reinforcing the message that children who, due to their carelessness, get their clothes dirty must not feel guilty about it, because if they do, they will never learn. How ironic the statement seems? Dirt and learning together? Education helps to purify your thoughts and cleanses your soul; however, if the way to explore the world is associated with ‘how-dirty-you-can-get’ slogans, how can children be expected to become responsible and cultured citizens of tomorrow? And how can education make them remove all dirt from their hearts?

With countless cartoons which show violence without pain and endorse dirty surroundings as elements of fun and enjoyment, the media has reversed the concepts of good and bad.

Dirt is of various forms. Besides visible dirt, there is the impurity of mind, heart and soul. Media is a manipulator of the mind, and children are the worst hit victims because of their impressionable age. Media depicts how a person can get away with any kind of wrong activity by just using a particular product. It shows how ‘the hero’ can do away with any evil deed through the act of spreading goodness. Moreover, it associates the cool image of a popular kid with irresponsibility, dirtiness and bad values.

Taharah promotes cleanliness of body, mind and soul. Keeping your heart free of malice, your mind from bad thoughts and your soul from all impurities is the true concept of Taharah.

How can parents combat these wrong perceptions inculcated through media? First of all, one must be able to differentiate between these messages and educate their child about the true concept of Taharah. Make your child feel uncomfortable with dirt and let him/her identify that learning is fun, but it can always take place without messing around. Play with them and help them organize and keep things in order. Discipline in early life will go a long way in ensuring your child’s mental and social upbringing.

Secondly, spread the word by action. When you are eating outdoors or in a public setting, keep an eye on your own behaviour. Are you the one throwing wrappers around? If you initiate one wrong act, know that there are many who will follow you. Locate a dustbin or if it is not there, keep the wrappers in your handbag for the time being. Those around you will learn that cleanliness is important to you.

“We should always identify and criticize wrong ideas that are promoted through the media, while watching TV together as a family, so that the young ones realize that the message is wrong,” says Saima, a housewife. With this approach, we can thwart the wrong perceptions that the media generates and enable our future generation to distinguish the good from the bad, before the media teaches them to see it the other way round.