Dear Haadia

Haadia

I have studied in co-education schools since the very beginning and have had friends among boys. I have started adoring one of my friends (among boys). He has expressed his wish to marry me. We are both eighteen. Is it Haram to wish to marry someone? Should I express my wish to my parents? I feel that it will be unacceptable to them and also to the society in general, as teen marriages are very rare. Please, help me.

Answer: My dear sister in Islam, from your questions I can sense, how distressed and pressurized you are feeling. Let’s try to rationalize the situation and see what marriage, which is a Sunnah of our Prophet (sa), encompasses.

As a young couple, you both should understand that marrying young comes with responsibilities and commitments. Are you both ready for that?

It is true that society does not readily accept early teen marriages. However, the question is: are there any valid reasons, which we tend to overlook, as marriage is a decision of great magnitude? The importance of learning Islam is paramount. Sometimes, without the balance of reason, our hearts can blind us, because when we see only through the heart, our emotions colour our vision of what is real and what is unreal, as well as what is suitable for our needs.

Remember that fornication is a serious issue. In Islam, it does not begin at the point of sexual intercourse. It starts much earlier – with the look, the spoken words, the touch and then the rest of the body. The Quran says: “And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him).” (Al-Isra 17:32)

So there really is no excuse for relationships outside the domain of marriage. Now, let’s come to your questions.

Firstly, wishing to marry someone or marrying someone you wish to marry is not Haram, but how we do it is of great importance. In the name of adoring someone, Haram activities have to be avoided.

The consent of parents is also extremely important, and it is an Islamic requirement as well. This is because parents invariably know what is best for their children. In the context of male-female relationships, do remember that love should not be a means of satisfying carnal desires or material whims. Love should have a healthy atmosphere, where it can properly grow and be normally expressed – and for that, it should be covered by the protection of marriage, Islamic law and the consent of the family. The involvement of the family will help a lot in strengthening the marriage, because the choice of a partner is not based just on romantic notions; rather, the compatibility of the couple has been objectively analyzed. You will be spending the rest of your life with this man, raising a family, securing its future, facing joys and sorrows and aging together.

After marriage, you will have every right to enjoy each other’s affections, sheltered by the merciful umbrella of Nikah – a divine gift that Allah (swt) has established for loving souls. I recommend that your relationship should be in this light and with the blessings of both your families.

Sometimes, a trusted third party can help you to communicate with your parents; however, you yourself are the best judge of how to approach them. Remain calm through the difficult moments and do not forget to pray to Allah (swt) to make matters easy for you. Then, this man can propose to marry you, so that you can get betrothed to him.

And always, always remember to read the Quran every day and never neglect your obligatory prayers. Ask Allah (swt) for His help and ask Him to forgive you when you fail. With the help of Allah (swt) and your strong Iman (faith), you will overcome this difficulty, Insha’Allah.

Should you have any other questions, please, do not hesitate to write to me. May Allah (swt) always protect you and your family, Ameen.