It is grisly and frightening, but death is unavoidable. All we can hope for is that when the time comes, we are content with ourselves and with our efforts to have led our lives meaningfully in this world. I recently read a wonderful book “Tuesdays with Moorie” by Mitch Albom, a thought provoking true story of a professor who is a victim of a terminal disease and knows that he is going to die soon. The book is about the professor’s emotional state, after he finds out about his illness.
After reading the book, I conducted an exercise with a few people, asking them what they would do on the last day of their lives. I questioned the young and the old, men and women, to uncover their true regrets at the end of their life’s journey. This turned out to be one of the greatest learning experiences of my life so far.
The people whom I questioned did not have any terminal disease, nor was it the last day of their lives. I just asked them to assume that it was, to think of the regrets they would have, and to describe what they would do differently. Here are the most common five responses:
I wish I had the courage to live a meaningful and purposeful life, rather than the life the whole world wanted me to live.
This was the most common regret I heard. When people realized that life was over and the sun was about to set, they felt as a poet said in Urdu:
میں اب تک دن کے ہنگاموں میں گم تھا
!مگر اب شام ہوتی جا رہی ہے
(I have been lost all this time in the bustle of life
But now evening has started to fall!)
At the end of the day, people suddenly realize how many dreams had gone unfulfilled, how many songs remained unsung, and how many tasks left unaccomplished. Most people said that they had not pursued even half of their visions and realized that it was due to the choices they had or had not made.
It is very important to clarify your visions along the way. Because if suddenly some calamity befalls you, it may already be too late. Health, for example, gives us a freedom very few of us appreciate, until they no longer have it. Prophet Muhammad (sa) said: “Take benefit of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death.” (al-Baihaqi)
Many had lived their life as dictated by others and had undesired visions imposed upon, rather than achieving what they actually wanted to pursue. This is a terrible feeling to have. There was a time in my own life, when I felt that way. But thanks to some timely choices, this is not the case anymore, Alhumdulillah.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
This is an interesting regret, as it came from some very successful professionals and businessmen. Because they remained so swamped with work, they missed out on their children’s youth, overlooked the needs of their parents in their old age, and never savoured the flavour of their spouse’s true companionship. This regret also came from women, especially those pursuing full-time bread-winning activities along with their husbands. All of the men I met deeply regretted spending much of their lives on the treadmill of a worldly existence with no share of that activity in the Akhirah.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to manage your life within a reasonably good income. This helps to create more space in your life, and makes you happier and more open to opportunities for worthier visions targeted towards a meaningful lifestyle. The modern day ‘culture of spending’ is designed in such a way that it compels one to spend ferociously, even when that spending is not required. But this is a vicious loop, a quagmire that just pulls you in with no way out.
I wish I’d had learnt to say ‘no’.
Another interesting regret was that many people suppressed their feelings, in order to keep others happy. As a result, they settled for a tiring and indistinct existence, without ever realizing their true potential. This gradually led to bitterness and resentment that poisoned their lives and thoughts and shattered any potential they had for success.
It is mostly our inner fear, rather than the response of others, that holds us back from expressing sincere feelings. By expressing your true feelings, the pressure of living an artificial life is released forever. As a result, either your relationship improves or is purged from your life forever. In other words, it’s a win-win situation. You have a choice: live with healthy relationships based on mutual understanding or suppress your personality and end the journey of life with this regret.
I wish I had done something worthy to please Allah (swt) and the Prophet (sa).
Often we do not truly realize the importance of connecting our dreams with the pleasure of the Almighty, until the end of life is near. Today, people are so caught up in their own lives that they let golden opportunities of contributing to the vision of Prophet Muhammad (sa) slip right over them. There were many deep regrets in this regard.
At the time of death, the physical details of life tend to fall away. Most people want to get their spiritual affairs and their affairs with other people in order as soon as possible. These include the rights of others that they had bulldozed and the abuse committed by their hands. Material goods, name, and status hold no importance at this time. They want to get their things in order for the new world that summons them, striving to seek the pleasure of Allah (swt). Usually though, they are too sick and worn out to ever manage these affairs. Basically, the entire life boils down to the rights of the Creator and His creation – relationship in the heaven and the ties down on earth.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Interestingly, many people fail to realize until the very end that happiness is a choice. I especially presented the question to people who were apparently very happy so it was surprising to get this response from them. Their main reason for unhappiness was that they had stayed stuck in mundane patterns and habits. They confused happiness with pleasure, which is one of the greatest deceptions of modern day life.
“Don’t confuse fun with fulfillment, or pleasure with happiness.” (Michael Josephson)
You need to remember that not all pleasure constitutes happiness. I have seen people in tough times who are happy, and people who have all the pleasures available but remain unhappy. Smile and let others smile, by making also their lives easy. In the end, life is a choice. It is your life. Choose wisely, consciously and honestly. Choose true happiness, because life is too short for spending it recklessly and ending with deplorable regrets.
Think for yourself – what would you do today, if you were to find out that this was the last day of your life. If you won’t be doing what you’re doing now, then there is a need for significant change in your life. Life is short and a significant part of it has already gone.
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