I am thirty-three years old Muslimah, who accepted Islam six years ago.
As I was growing up, I preferred solitude and had a very limited circle of friends at school. The activities that girls of my age engaged in bored me and seemed silly. I spent more time on studies and less on social activities. There were times, when my parents would say to me: “Put down the book and go outside!” But even outside I preferred to spend time in nature alone, rather than with friends.
In childhood, I went to Sunday school in church together with my grandfather. I had a sure belief that God does exist. In teenage years, I tried youth group of a Lutheran church, but could not understand, why they talk only about Jesus. If Jesus was God, why didn’t they simply call him God? My love towards God had grown out of stories about prophets – last one in that book was story about Jesus, so maybe this is why it had never crossed my mind that Jesus was more than a prophet in Christianity. In my teenage years, I went to church very seldom; and it was not helpful either that whenever I went there, all the talks always seemed to be the same.
Later, when I grew up, my grandfather encouraged me to attended Bible studies in church. As I listened to what the pastor was speaking, I felt anger boil inside me, as his words did not make sense. If anyone asked him a question, the answer was such that one would understand even less after hearing it. When I came home, I often cried out of frustration. Finally, I decided to switch to a different pastor.
I could listen to this pastor without anger, which was now replaced by tons of questions. I had realized that Christianity seemed somehow wrong to me. I knew that I believed in God and that this intricate and orderly world would not have come into existence by chance. From school lessons, I had realized that Hinduism was not acceptable for me. Jews had always associated me with nation, not religion, in which you have to be born. In addition, I somehow felt that Judaism lacked spirituality. So I concluded that my only choice was Christianity, as I could not imagine worshipping God according to my own whims and wishes, without belonging to a religion. After all, even a toaster has an instruction manual. I did not believe that God would create something and leave it to its own devices – guidance on how to live must be there.
So I began asking questions from the pastor, because I needed to understand. Why did Jesus have to die for sins of others? Why am I blamed for sins of Eve? Why do we sometimes pray to Jesus, while at other times to God, making it sound as if they are not the same? And then there is also the Holy Spirit, which makes everything even more complex… how all three can be one person?
This pastor did mention to us that there are three similar religions, which worship one God: Judaism, Christianity and Islam. But he right away added that Islam is for people far away from us and for their culture – nothing that we can practice really.
I had never heard anything about Islam, so I decided to check it out. I ended up on a chat site, where I happened to join silently a conversation of a Christian and a Muslim. The Christian was aggressively hurling insults on Islam, while the Muslim was patiently replying and explaining everything. Although this Christian seemed not to gain anything from this conversation, I silently learned a lot.
Beliefs about God in Islam were exactly the way that was acceptable to me with Jesus being a prophet of God – no trinity involved. This conversation did not create in me any of the questions, which I always used to get after listening to Christian pastors – in Islam, all was clear and understandable.
After this, I continued to read about Islam and learned what a wonderful person Prophet Muhammad (sa) had been. I learned to do prayer and began wearing headscarf, although not fully covering. I had been ready to become a Muslim for a long time but for some reason I was shy to ask anyone to help me with this – and nobody with whom I talked asked me about conversion either… until one day somebody did ask and since then I became a Muslim.
The beginning as a new Muslim was difficult, because the people around me did not understand my choice. I was the target of emotional blackmail and heard them ridicule the religion, which was so very dear to me. I knew they were not right but they were not ready to listen to any of my explanations, which was truly heartbreaking.
In the same way, I had unpleasant encounters with total strangers. It seems that there are plenty of people, who think it is totally fine to misbehave with someone just because they look different. The more I learned about Islam, the better I understood the roots of such attitude – people, who pass negative comments, lack proper knowledge or are deficient in manners. I understood that I should not feel bad because of someone’s lack of manners, or think bad about my religion due to ignorant remarks of others.
However, all this could be tolerated because my life had assumed direction and meaning.
The Muslim lifestyle is a constant reminder about God, so you never feel deserted or lonely, no matter what hardships you may be going through. It is a wonderful feeling to know that there always is Somebody, Who cares for you, Who will not leave you.
Today, a woman came to visit me, who, as far as I know, has no interest about Islam. As she entered through the door, she said: “Strangely, there is always such a feeling of peace here. As soon as I step over the threshold, I feel so much peace. I wonder why?” This is only one of the things that Islam grants us – total inner peace. I am grateful to God that He showed me this religion, and I hope that He will give me permission to remain in it till the end of my life.
Translated by Laila Brence, Senior Editor, Hiba.
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