How many of us think that the characters of children are immutable? Or that their personalities are written in stone beyond change? Can a kid behave differently, if the parent expects differently and conveys that to the child? Let us find out.
One day an elementary class teacher informed her students that according to a research survey, children with brown eyes were superior to those with blue eyes. For the rest of the day, the students behaved according to the new set of expectations. The kids with brown eyes outshined even the brightest students with blue eyes, who were shaken by the recent discovery.
The next day, the same teacher strolled into the classroom only to announce that this time there had been a terrible mix up in her papers and actually it was the blue-eyed child, who was smarter than the brown eyed one. The tables turned. This time the blue-eyed students crowed and excelled and the brown-eyed barely functioned, immobilized by shame and self-doubt.
“How parents and teachers talk tells a child how they feel about him. Their statements affect his self-esteem and self-worth. To a large extent, their language determines his destiny.” (Haim Ginott)
Situation 1: Amna the Chatterbox
Amna is a child who talks non-stop. It can be annoying and even embarrassing for her parents at times. Naturally, sometimes they snap at her.
Parent: “Amna, you are such a blabber mouth. Can anyone ever get a chance to utter a word in your presence?”
Instead of the above comment:
- Look for opportunities to show Amna a new picture of herself. “What self-control! Even though you had a lot more to say, you realized that also others needed a chance.”
- Put Amna in a situation where she can see herself differently. “Amna, I would like you to start the family discussion and make sure that everyone gets a turn to speak.”
- Let Amna overhear you say something positive about her. “Amna has so many wonderful ideas that it’s hard for her to hold back. Nevertheless, I’ve seen her do it.”
- Model the behaviour you want Amna to see.“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt. Please, finish what you were saying. I will queue up my thoughts.”
- Remind Amna of her past accomplishments. “I remember the time when we were planning to have the Eid party indoors. However, your suggestion to keep it outdoor was quite fantastic and worked out brilliantly.”
- State your feelings and expectations. “Amna, when other people are waiting to speak, I’d like you to keep your comments brief.”
Situation 2: Amna the Artist and Amber the Writer
Two sisters Amna and Amber have different talents. Amna is good in arts, while Amber is excellent in writing. As parents and teachers, we tend not only to paste labels about our kids’ behaviour, but also lock them up according to their abilities. Follow the conversation below.
Scenario 1
Mother: “Amna, what’s the matter honey? You look troubled.”
Amna: “I have to write an essay about child labour. You know I can’t write. Amber is the writer in the family.”
Mother: “It’s true, Amber is the gifted writer but look at all the things you can do that she cannot. You can paint, draw, illustrate so well. Amber can’t draw a straight line. You are the artist of the family.”
Amna sighs: “I guess…”
What is wrong with the above conversation? The mother is incredibly encouraging and sweet. Yet, the child at the end of the talk finds no relief. Now, follow an alternate conversation and compare the two.
Scenario 2
Mother: “Amna, what’s the matter honey?” You look troubled.”
Amna: “I have to write an essay about child labour. You know I can’t write. Amber is the writer in the family.”
Mother: “Amna, there is room for more than one writer in the family. No one has your feelings, your way of saying things, your experiences. Whatever you write will reflect your ideas about child labour and that’s what will make your essay unique.”
Amna: “You do have a point! Okay, let me try it!”
This conversation leaves Amna unlocked of her self-doubts and what her mother thinks about her writing skills. Her self-worth has been raised, as her mother helped Amna see her strengths.
What is the downside of locking up a child in a role?
- If Amna knew that Amber was a better writer in the family, it would give her no comfort to know that she was a better artist. She still was weak at writing.
- Knowing that her mother also believes her not to be a good writer would discourage Amna to even start improving.
- If art is what gives value to Amna in her family, why would she even try to improve her writing skills?
- If one day Amber would bring home a beautiful painting, where would the fear of rejection leave Amna?
As parents and teachers, we must understand that every child is a learner. He or she is a multifaceted being, who always has a capacity of growth and learning.
We do not need to single out kids with rare abilities and shower only them with our praise and attention at the expense of their apparently less talented classmates or siblings.
The gifted ones need to be encouraged and nurtured but so do also all the other children. They all need to be given opportunities at everything, without having to worry about being a star or a genius.
If we do not stop imprisoning children’s hopes and dreams, we will be locking them in with their labels. It just takes one person who believes in them and trusts them to help them explore the unexplored.
Adapted from “How to talk so kids can learn” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
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